Marriage Conference Session 1 — Hebrews 4

0:00 Well, I hope you've been looking forward to this time as much as I have. It seems like a long time ago since I got the phone call inviting me to come and share with you, and I'm really privileged to be able to do just that. And we... Looks like we have such a a wonderful, diverse group here this evening. And some older, some younger, some who've been married, obviously, a few years.

0:43 And I have... Are you are you hearing me okay? I have forty seven years experience at that. And I wonder, has anyone else beat that this evening? If you can, you can take my place.

1:00 Feel free. So We can hear you. We just can't see you. Alright. A little framework of how we'll be looking at marriage this evening, we want to look at marriage in light of the word of god.

1:35 Everything that really matters. We, in life, should say, in life, we have instruction for it in the word of God. Hebrews four twelve says, the word of God is living, active, sharper than any two edge sword. It's able to cut us. And I think, and I hope you would agree right off the bat that in marriage as as husbands and wives sometimes surgery is necessary.

2:29 We develop cancers and cancers of the soul that have to be excised and and the word of god is able to get down there and and and do its work and it it says it pierces as far as the division of the soul and the spirit. That's deep. Marriage has to come out of something deep in us. It's a it's a union of the of the mind, the heart, the soul, and so we need something that can can get down there and and expose something that that needs to be exposed, touch something that needs to be touched, change something that needs to be changed. And that's what marriage is all about, isn't it?

3:27 The word of god can do that. Down to the joints and the mare and and able to judge the faults and the intentions of the heart. Once again, deal with the way we think about our wives, about our our husbands. So, we're going be looking at the word of god with a dependence upon the spirit of god. We need the the spirit of god to take the word of god and make it applicable to our hearts.

5:03 We see something about ourselves as women that I didn't, I've never seen that before. And We want that to happen. We want that to happen so that we'll be happier That that's nice, isn't it? I I like being happy. So, that we'll enjoy our our our husbands and wives more.

5:37 I'm all in that. That's great. That's wonderful. I I like that. There's something greater than that.

5:52 If that happens, if if if if the word of god touches us in such a way penetrates us in such a way that that the spirit goes deep into us and and does a work And in the end, our marriages glorify God. Our our marriages reflect that that that mystery, we'll mention that again in a few minutes, That that mystery, that that that marriage is a picture of and that's the relationship of Christ and his bride. The church. So, it's my it's my hope that we'll go away not with just more knowledge. I'm not I I hope we learn.

6:53 I do. That'd be great. But I have a little saying, you know, the the the word of god's it it it's gotta get in here and it can get in there by us reading our Bibles. It's and it's gotta get in there. It can get in there by us listening to teaching.

7:17 Others speaking the word of god to us. It's gotta get in here but it's gotta, boy, it's gotta get here. It's gotta get down here I have to engage with it with my my heart in some way and that's a that's a mystery. We can't explain all the mysteries in the scriptures, but that's a mystery. And then it's gotta come out down here.

7:48 It's gotta come out of her feet. It has to change the way we walk. It has to change the way we are as husbands, wives. And that that means that we've got to develop some convictions. There's got to be, and I'll give you a definition of a conviction, I hope you find useful.

8:22 A truth that we see with our hearts, and we'll see we'll see more of this in the text in just a moment. A truth that we see with our hearts that changes the way we live. That's that's what we wanna see happen in our little time together. Truths that we we we see with our hearts that that that enter and and and get here. They come out.

9:26 At times, though. We we really have to see. We we we gotta we we have to be exposed and and look at. We we haven't come together. I I trust we haven't.

9:43 Have a good beautiful picture painted of ourselves of all of us great men and women, beautiful in in mind, heart, and soul. No, I I I trust we've come to to wrestle with with who we are as men and women and our marriages that that we want we want something to happen that will that will help us become better lovers. Now, that's going to happen. Some something something ugly has to be exposed and that's sin and and and something something wonderful has to be embraced and I hope we get some pictures of that in our time together. So, we wanna we wanna look at the the the truth about relationships.

10:37 Take a critical look at ourselves. Do I see myself the way my wife sees me? Probably not. Probably not. Would you agree with that?

10:55 Probably not. We we have a tendency, don't we? We're exhorted, but we shouldn't think more highly of ourselves than we do. We shouldn't. Do I see myself the way my husband sees me?

11:18 What's more important than either of those questions though? Do I see myself Biblically? And that's difficult. That will take Enlightenment we'll see that word in the text in just a moment that will take a divine enlightenment. Our second session together, a critical look at what we bring to our marriages, and we might state the antithesis of that and say a critical look at what we don't bring to our marriages.

11:57 Are are are there are there some things that I don't, I don't, I don't give my wife my woman that I should give her. I know there there are other things that that that that is a woman you hold back because while it's not safe. It it it's not safe to, to give the most wonderful things that define you as a woman to your husband because he doesn't appreciate them. But when you give them, they're abused. So we wanna take a a critical look at, that area of life, and that session's entitled lost Truths for Men and Women.

13:07 The third session, the last session tonight and I hope you're still still here for that and more importantly, I hope you're still awake after what we've been smelling this afternoon. But in that session, we want to open open a few doors that perhaps will help help us taste the nectar that every every marriage should enjoy. There's a nectar in marriage. There's there's something wonderful. I mean, god designed it, didn't he?

14:40 That's the first, you know, you know, that's the first thing Adam said, right? When when god brought the woman to him. Wow, man. Woman. We want to open the door, open some doors that will invite us to become one flesh, becoming one flesh.

15:04 And finally, tomorrow morning, taking a... Critiquing critiquing our homes, especially in this this culture in in which we we live. The story goes that in the early nineteen hundreds, a London newspaper, The Times, sent out an inquiry to famous authors, asking the question, What's wrong with the world today? And I can only imagine what... That question were asked today, what the answer would be from mass media, government.

16:20 I I I don't think they would hesitate in saying that what's wrong with the world today is is the concept of god. We don't need god. We refuse to acknowledge god I think they would say, the laws of god. Take them out of the courthouse. We don't need the laws of god.

16:51 Take take scripture out of school. We don't need. We don't need the precepts and the concepts of of Judeo Christian thinking amongst us. We refuse to to obey them. I think they'd say, take Christians out.

17:16 Take Christians out too while you're at it. Cancel them. Anyway, in nineteen hundreds, a hundred years ago, We weren't quite there. So, they sent out an a question. Famous authors asking the question, what what is wrong with the world today?

17:42 They received a reply from GK Chesterton. Some of you may be familiar with some of his writing or quotes and he was a Christian author, thinker, and he responded simply. Dear sir, I am Yours, GK Chesterton. The good answer. What's wrong with the world today?

18:24 We usually start looking around. GK Chesterton was a deep thinker. And just by his reply, we know that he had, like all great men of God, he had a deep consciousness of the sin that was all in his own heart. And he replied, I am. What's wrong with my marriage?

20:17 She has got problems. Now now at that time, at that time, I want you to know, you know, I had quite a salvation experience and and and I was I was reading my Bible. I I'd I'd been saved eighteen months when I when I got married but but I was really wrestling with the scriptures. In fact, one of the conditions of our our marriages, I I said there, look, I'm planning I'm planning on going to the mission field. I plan on walking into some country, somewhere out there in the world to carry the gospel.

21:04 I'm planning to walk in. I never plan to walk out again. Now, if you wanna marry under those conditions, we'll get married. So, I was serious about being a believer and I'd read Ephesians chapter five, husbands will love your wives and that's exactly what I was gonna do. I thought I was doing a a good job of it.

21:35 And I'll have to be honest with you for the, you know, for the next ten years, nothing changed. I thought she had problems. But fast forward fast forward ten years, the year's 1983 now, and we've been on the mission field eight years by that time on a remote mission station in Chautauqua Lokey. Just in the middle of nowhere and I remember the the the children to come home from from boarding school. That was another situation.

22:18 And I just received some news of someone that I knew well, someone that I respected. Whose marriage had gone south. I was looking around and and I saw missionaries that were, you know, thirty, forty years older than me. And nothing excited me about where they were in their marriages and where their children were. There were the...

22:59 It was divorce. It was drugs. It was teenage pregnancies. I remember standing out in the in the field really Andre was playing and I don't know. It was just one of those moments when a moment of enlightenment.

23:23 And we're gonna read about that. I keep promising to turn to the text, and I will, before the hour's up. So, I'm I'm... This this... A moment of enlightenment happened for me.

24:20 Beloved, I wanna suggest we should all have repeated experiences like that. What am I talking about? Just seeing seeing ourselves as sinners, mourning and grieving over that, grieving on on how unkind I can be to my wife. What what terrible, painful words are able to come out of my mouth. Grieving over how selfish I can be.

25:21 If if we don't have those moments of enlightenment will be the same five years after marriage. We'll be the same ten years after marriage. How does how does change take place for us as believers? How? It it it it's it seems something that shouldn't be there some some aspect of the flesh and we put it off and and we see something that that Christ provides for us through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus and we put it on divine awakenings and alas, Ephesians chapter one.

26:48 Ephesians chapter one and verse chapter one and verse verse 18. Ephesians chapter one and verse 18. I pray I pray. Ray told me he's been praying for this conference. I've been praying for this conference.

27:35 I hope you've been praying. And I've been praying specifically exactly what the apostle Paul was praying here in verse 18. I I I pray that the eyes of your heart, the eyes of your your heart. I I'm I'm praying the apostle Paul is saying that that that something in you will shift away from the the material, the obvious. The secular jobs, homes, ambitions and you'll you'll look, you'll look at life in in our study here in our time together that you will look at your marriages.

28:35 Through the eyes of your heart and that he'll give you that that that that you'll know the hope of his calling I want to suggest that he's looking in the past there. And and if you just cast your eyes back into verse verse four. That we should be holy and blameless before him. Could we apply that to our marriages? A part of god's calling for us and and and and being holy and being blameless.

29:35 That a big chunk of that has to do with who we are, what we are as men, women, husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, that there should be a holiness there. That he's called us to holiness in our marriages. It says, I I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened. So, you'll know the hope of his calling the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints. God has a a glorious future for us.

30:40 I wanna suggest that we can we can we can taste some of that even now. And our marriages with one another. And then in verse 19, what is the surpassing greatness of his of his power toward us who believe his power toward us, that that... That's that's definitely the presence of the present. There's there's a power in in in who we are as believers.

31:35 There is a power that is directed towards us. The power of the Holy Spirit It says, these are in accordance with the working of the strength of his might and and he wants to come in and do something stupendous, miraculous inside of us, transforming us. And that's what it takes. I can't I can't do that. I can't change me in my own strength.

32:20 And, Wendy has discovered that she can't change me either. No matter how many times she... I was gonna use the word nags, I'll I'll use... No matter how many times she speaks to me about it, it takes a greater power than than than she has with her with her words. Now, unless this unless this enlightenment takes place that I I I I see life through the eyes of my heart, and I I I see what God has called me from, what God is calling me to, and and and see his work that that he provides the power for.

33:32 See the... Get get a a vision of the work that he wants to do in me. Unless that happens, I'll always be occupied with what what what the word of God calls the specs. The specs. Luke chapter six it is.

34:23 Why are you looking to speck this in your brother's eye? Something far more important. Something far more important god says in that speck. It's the log. Ron, you've got the log.

34:42 That's what I want you to look at. I want to open your eyes so that you can see the log in your own eye. Come Come buy on. Some eye salve from me. He says to the lay of the sea in church and let's get let's get your vision right.

35:09 And if you'll deal with this log in your own eye, oh, you'll be a blessing to your wife. You'll be able to help her with the specs. Oh beloved, come to the conclusion I am the problem. When we make that shift and if we want our marriages to grow, to be changed, to be transformed, well, we have to make that shift. If we do, we'll become marriage builders instead of marriage.

36:25 Don't have a word there. Destroyers. When we make that shift, we'll we'll weep over our own sin and what we bring to marriage. I... Don't we struggle with that?

36:51 Look, you know, this is what I do. I'm... I know I'm not the... A perfect husband, but I I work hard. I I I I I try to keep the house going.

37:08 I pay the bills. I I spend time with the children. What else do you want, woman? When we make that shift or we'll we'll we'll throw off that that arrogant attitude that that we so easily carry that that the Pharisee hadn't Matthew 18. You know, you remember that that arrogant spirit that makes me think that and and and be thankful that I'm not like a lot of other guys who who really don't have it together I'm I'm I'm certainly thankful I'm not...

38:11 I don't have the same problems my my my wife has. That arrogant spirit that makes us think we've got it all together and that others need to change. And then maybe we'll we'll develop that attitude of the poor tax collector. When when when looking at himself would cry out, Lord, be merciful. Be merciful to me.

39:36 You get hurt, wounded, maimed. That's why there are so many casualties. So many divorces, so many marriages that are together, but not together. The chaos of marriage was a chaos there. That confuses us, disillusions us Every marriage will be faced with sorrow and loss and and cancer and disaster and grief and disappointment and and it and it breaks into our lives when we least expect it.

40:31 It hits us, blindsides us. Leaves us wounded, scarred, battered. Now, if we're if we're if we're naive, I I I hope there's something in every single one of us that's relating here. If we're naive about this, naive about our sinfulness, Naive about how broken I am as a man to to to be the husband that I need to be in my marriage. There's something broken in me broken in my masculinity.

41:21 We'll see that in the next session. And it's gotta be repaired It's only repaired at the cross. There's something broken in every woman. There's a chaos in all inside all of us. That that will only get insight to by bearing, by by by coming with unveiled faces to to the cross.

41:57 And then as long as we don't see this this sinfulness, this brokenness, this chaos, we're naive. Naive about the world that we live in, naive about the fall, naive about the curse, naive about sin, naive about our own hearts and souls. Naive about the constant outpouring of grace that is necessary for us day by day. So, all comes down to how do I see myself? As a how do I see myself in marriage?

43:17 The lord doesn't know what type of woman this is. Remember the lord's words. Simon, you see this woman? I I I ended your house. She gave me no water for my feet.

43:31 She's wet my feet with her tears. She's wiped them with her hair. No kiss. You didn't kiss me, Simon. She's kissing my feet.

43:47 You didn't anoint me with oil. She's anointing my my my feet with perfume. Her sins which are many. Forgiven. The forgiven and look, look at what's, look at the love that is pouring out of her heart.

44:09 Simon and it and then he makes this this this application. Little sinners are little lovers. How do how do we apply that to our marriages? I see myself as a little sinner in my marriage. I'll never be the lover of my wife that I should be.

44:46 If you see yourselves as as little little sinners as women in your marriage, you'll never love your husbands, your children, god's rule for you. As you should. When all we think is we we need a little tune up, a little adjustment, and otherwise, we're fine. We'll have a little appreciation for the cross. We'll have...

45:17 We'll harbor a sense of self righteousness and little compassion for those who sin against us. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened. And if that happens, and that that will come away, Lord, I'm the problem. Lord, I I want to deal. I really do want to deal with the sin that I bring to my marriage that will open the door for a wonderful transformation.

46:03 Let's pray. Our father, thank you for this little time to think through who we are as men, as women, as husbands and wives. We're thankful for the grace that washes and cleanses us, forgives us. Let us bow in your presence at the wonder of, what you do for us and what you call us to. We give your thanks in Jesus' name.

46:34 Amen.