Marriage Conference 2016 - 03 - Fighting Fair in Marriage — Proverbs 13

0:00 After one time, they were in the locker room and they finished showering and they were getting dressed. And an interesting thing happened next to one of the fellows. Next to one of the fellows, a cell phone rang on a towel that was sitting on a towel. He picked it up and answered and he said, hello. And the woman said, honey, I'm so glad I got you.

0:17 I'm so glad I got you. I I just gotta ask you something. Please please can I ask you something? Said, sure. What is it?

0:23 She said, you know the mink coat that I wanted so badly that was $13,500? They marked it down to 11,000. Can I please have it? Can I please please have it? And he says, you're a good wife.

0:37 Sure. Go ahead and get it. She said, oh, thank you. Okay. Okay.

0:40 Another thing. You know the Mercedes that we wanted? The Mercedes that was 105,000? They marked it down to 89,000, honey. Can we get it?

0:50 Please, please, can we get it? We need a third car so bad. And and he said, well, at that price, I want all the extras. She said, okay. I'll make sure.

0:57 I'll make sure. I'll talk to this deal... Dealer. And the last thing, you know that summer house on the lake that was 5,000,000? Well, it's gone down to 4,100,000.

1:05 Honey, please, we need a summer home on the lake so bad. It would just... I would just kill for it. I'll never ask for anything else. He said, well, see if you can get it down to $3.09, but okay.

1:14 If you can't, go ahead and get it. She said, oh, I love you. I love you. Bye. Bye.

1:18 He hung up the phone and said, whose cell phone is this? So the obvious question, who was wrong? Who was wrong? Was the guy was wrong or was the woman wrong? Who was wrong?

1:48 He deceived her. He deceived her. Okay. He... How many people say that he was wrong?

1:55 Raise your hand. I think they were both wrong. Okay. How many think that the woman was wrong? Okay.

2:01 The guy wants a cell phone. He's gonna learn that he was wrong soon. But... And I'm not saying I'm absolutely right with this answer, but I believe the woman was wrong. She should have known her husband's voice.

2:18 She should have been more concerned about who she was talking to rather than what she wanted. Communication, as you have probably come to find out, is an essential part of staving off unnecessary arguments. I have learned a motto. It is not important that you speak so that people will understand. It is essential, imperative that you speak so people won't misunderstand.

3:06 I'm not concerned if you understood what I said. I am more concerned that you clearly know what I'm not saying. You'd be surprised how many times in counseling I've talked to someone and said something as clearly as possible, and then they'll come back later and say, but you said so and so. I said, no. I did not say that.

3:36 I said this. No. There were other people in the room, and they heard you say so and so. For example, someone once said to me... Well, I'm sorry.

3:50 I was called into a meeting of elders at a church, and they said that you told a group of young men that it's alright for a man to have multiple wives. I said, what is his name? And he said, what is whose name? I said, your crack dealer because he gives you the good stuff. I said, you honestly believe that I would tell somebody that they have multiple wives?

4:15 He said... They said, Dwight, this is when all our guys came back. They got all the guys together. And I said, quote exactly what I said. Now what's interesting is that I knew that it was it was being recorded by a young man who records all the things I speak of.

4:29 He records on his on his laptop. And, yeah, Dwight, you said that it's alright for a man to have multiple wives. I said, okay. Here's a brother who is in New York, and he's... He recorded my message.

4:43 Listen to what was said. And what was said... What I said was, in the Old Testament, men had multiple wives, and there was no Old Testament prohibition for men to have multiple wives. They called them their wives handmaids or concubines. There was no prohibition.

5:00 In the New Testament, there is no prohibition against multiple wives. There is prohibition against leaders, elders, deacons having multiple wives, but the Bible never says you can't have multiple wives. Now I know and you know that it is not wise, it is not godly for you to have more than one wife. And someone said, why not? I said, because the scripture says, male and female created he them.

5:28 A man shall leave father and mother and cling to his wife, singular, not wives. If the bible does not preach it emphatically, it does implicitly. And that's exactly... I said, is that what I said? The guy said, yeah.

5:40 See? You said we could have multiple wives. So much so more when you have two individuals who communicate differently. The impetus of most conflicts in marriage is how we communicate. First of all, when you're talking about dealing with fighting fairly, I don't like it that way, I don't like to fight at all.

6:09 I think it's it's kind of counterproductive to use that word. But whenever there is an issue that is a battle in your home, realize it is not husband against wife. It's righteousness versus unrighteousness. Now unrighteousness may be propagated by one of the individuals. But more than likely, whenever righteousness is...

6:30 Unrighteousness is propagated, it has Satan in its intent. Satan is somewhere dealing with the issue. The Bible says in James, Where there is strife and confusion, there is every evil work. Turn to your Bibles, to Proverbs chapter 13. And there's a very essential verse in Proverbs 13, verse number 10.

7:20 There's an issue of I'm right, you're wrong, you're insensitive, you're overly sensitive, and someone does... Is not willing to back down from their ego and their pride for the sake of maintaining a righteous relationship. Now I'm gonna be honest with you. It is nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with being in disagreement.

7:44 There is something wrong with being disagreeable. Let me say it again. There's nothing wrong with disagreeing. There's a lot wrong with being disagreeable because disagreement is a matter of opinion. It's a matter of issue.

7:58 But disagreeable is a spirit, it's a personality, it's a right of exercising power or opinion over another. Disagreement is a part of life. The bible says where no oxen are, the crib is clean. But where there are oxen, there will be much issue. In American 20 century terms, where there are no cows, there'll be no doo doo.

8:26 But if there are gonna be cows, there's gonna be doo doo. Guess what? The same thing it is with people. Where there are peoples, there's gonna be mess. You just gotta deal with that.

8:38 That's just part of the the corporation. I mean, my wife and I come from two separate totally distinctly different worlds and the miracle of all of that is we still love each other and her background and her culture and her family and her tradition were uniquely different from mine. We worship... I'm sorry. We celebrated Christmas the right and righteous way.

9:02 They did it the wrong way. We open our presents Christmas morning. They do theirs Christmas Eve. To me, that's a violation of all Christmas rights and laws. You can't open a Christmas present when it's not Christmas, but they still hold to it no matter how much I preach to it, how much how much I've poo pooed it.

9:23 They still open their present on Christmas Eve, and it drives me crazy. But we never argue about it. So what do we do? We did not compromise. When she's with her family, they open their presents on Christmas Eve.

9:40 I don't give her her presents till Christmas day. So we're happy. But that's just a facetious way of saying that something so so simple can become a point of contention. A couple divorced several years ago. I knew them.

9:57 I loved them greatly. A Christian couple divorced, and she, and he, you know, corroborated later, said that, you know, Dwight, it all started on a discussion that became an argument, that became a separation over how to cook a hot dog. And she said it never it was it just escalated to yelling and screaming, and then everything else came out. So here are the no no's of what not to do. Okay?

10:29 This is what you shouldn't do. One, first, destroy the time machine. Destroy the time machine. You know what? When it's past, it's over.

10:42 When it's past, it's over. You're not allowed to go back in time and and resurrect an old argument to give credence to a new one. Don't bring up what happened fourteen years ago. No matter how bad it was, destroy the time machine. Number one, you cannot use history to maintain an attitude or a position or a posture.

11:10 That means that you never forgave. When you use the time machine and go back... Let me tell you something. The further you go back and the longer you keep that thing alive, the bigger it gets. The anaconda snake, the largest snake in the world, squeezes the life and or the ability to resist out of its prey.

11:34 Then it swallows it whole, waits a while, vomits it back up so it can swallow it again. That's what happens when you bring up the past. First, destroy the time machine. Here's the second. There's a reason why your windshield is bigger than your rearview mirror because what's ahead of you is more important than what's behind you.

12:05 I know people who live their life from the rearview mirror. Sorrowful regrets for the things that they lost. We should have. Why didn't we? Things would have been better if we had.

12:18 Why did we move here? Couldn't we have thought about? We moved too quickly. I know so many couples who are upset because the housing market happened in 2008. They sold their houses in 2008 when the houses were worth a lot less than what they paid for it, and they regret, why did we sell our house?

12:35 Our house... Well, you're basically talking about the book of Ruth. The book of Ruth is a book of regrets. Naomi said, I left out empty. I left out full and come...

13:09 Okay? And this was when he was doing well. This is when the .com issues were making money. I never knew why people invested in something that didn't exist on the hope that it would exist and do better. It's like trying to find a blind cat in a dark room that doesn't exist.

13:29 And, he, for four or five years, bought her a car every other year. Then, you know, the .com thing fell apart and we suffered a recession from that and he couldn't buy her a new car every other year. And and so when they came to me from counseling, so what's the problem? She said he didn't keep his word. I said, okay, what did he break?

13:48 He promised me a new car every year, every other year. And I said, and that's it? That's it? Boiled down to one thing. She said, if he couldn't do it, he should have told me so I wouldn't have told all my friends.

14:05 Now my friends are laughing at me because I don't get a new car every other year. Now I try my best to control my face. I really do. I really try. But my mother says my emotions come out of my face.

14:19 And I looked at her and said, what? She said, yeah. You believe this? I got to face friends who expect me to have a new car every year. I said, miss, you know, I'm not saying that your husband isn't complicit somehow in in part of this, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

14:34 You're willing to sacrifice your marriage over a car? She said he doesn't keep his word. I said it's not a matter he couldn't... He doesn't keep his word. He couldn't keep his promise.

14:47 It's not that he purposely defrauded you. That's how I see it. And ladies and gentlemen, later, it ended up in divorce. Ended divorce. You can't live your life driving using the rearview mirror.

15:04 Here's the next thing. Don't keep score. Don't keep score. About anything, don't keep score. Well, if I didn't make more money than you, if you made more money, if your parents were more loving, I'm glad that my family wasn't like that.

15:25 Don't don't keep score. Because you know what? You never win. You you don't win. You think because you did nicer things or achieve more that you win?

15:41 You're not you're not an individual anymore. You know what Jesus said? The two shall be made one. You're not in it for you. I have told every couple that I'm gonna perform their marriage on, part of the vows will be that there will be no mention, discussion, or thought about separation or divorce in your marriage.

16:16 And I've never had a couple disagree with that. However, when I perform the wedding ceremony, after I've let those vows happen and the ceremony is done, I cannot tell you how many family members and relatives, cousins, aunts, uninvited guests will come and say, I can't believe that you caused them to vow that they would never discuss separation or divorce. Have you lost your mind? I said, the job here is till deaf do we part. What part of that don't you get?

16:50 So I ask every couple, what will it take for you to cause this marriage to end? And invariably, most guys will say, if she cheats on me. Oddly enough, most women say, if he hits me. I say, well, then I'm not gonna perform your wedding. Why?

17:07 What part of for better or for worse don't you get? He cheated on you. Guess what? Is that worse? Yes.

17:14 Then it's within the context of your vows. He hit you. Is that worse? Yes. It's in the context of your vows.

17:27 Now marriage is a serious thing. If you can't handle it, don't do it. And if you're in it, buck up and walk it off. Because the greatest thing that happens to the people in this room is that we have a God, a savior who can do the impossible. I cannot tell you how many wives have prayed about wayward, unrighteous, perverted husbands and God has worked a miracle in that man's life and now he's one of the most godly people you'll ever meet.

17:58 The buck does not stop with you. It starts with prayer. It starts with prayer. So don't keep score. Don't don't allow the things that happened to you to be your reason or your new weapon in the fight.

18:17 Next one, recognize who the enemy really is. Recognize who the enemy really is. Satan hates marriage. He hates a godly reunion. He hates that, and he'll do anything to break it up.

18:37 Any small little thing that he knows ignites your anger, he'll do it. I swore that my wife and I would never go to bed angry at each other, and we haven't. It was that three week period where we didn't sleep at all. But other than that, we have never gone to bed angry with each other. Are you ready for this?

19:03 My wife and I disagree, but we've never yelled at each other, and we never have arguments. We disagree. Yes. We never have arguments because she knows she's never seen it, but she knows that I have rage issues. And she knows how to back off of it.

19:24 I know what she stands on, what she's stubborn about, and I back off of it. And then I wait for the the convenient time to give her a right hook. No. I'm just kidding. I know at the right time to bring it up or to adjust it so that it's gonna work itself out.

19:42 And God is my witness. That's the principle of my home. You don't yell in our home. You don't scream at our home. We do at the dog.

19:51 But other than that, you don't do that. We talk. We talk. And I know I do things that anger her to no end, but she's found a way to adjust and deal with it later. The things that she does that just drive me crazy.

20:08 I go, stick my head in the toilet, and deal with it. But we refuse to let Satan divide us. Do you know who your real enemy is? Do you know who your real enemy is? Honestly, are you really so bent on having your way that you jeopardize your marriage?

20:57 Had seven kids, two of their own, and he adopted five others. And so I went and talked to their parents, talked to the father and talked to the mother and did my best with them, but eventually it ended up in divorce court. So, I was in the court while everything was being divided up. And the judge says, Okay, when it comes to the matter of the furniture, who gets the furniture? She can have the furniture.

21:22 I don't want the furniture. She can have the furniture. Okay. You have two cars here. Well, I want the sedan.

21:27 She can keep the station wagon for the kids. Ma'am, is that alright with you? Okay. In a matter of custody of kids, I'll pay... I'll buy child support.

21:37 She she can keep the kids. She's better raising the kids. Is that alright with you, ma'am? Okay. What about the house?

21:43 She can keep the house, but I want my my money out of it. I want half of what it costs. Is that alright with you, ma'am? And the judge got frustrated and said, miss, we're we're dividing up your life, all the things you own, what what you what you you possess together. Don't you have anything to say?

22:02 Don't you have a voice? What do you want? What do you want, ma'am? What do you want? And I'm sure that the moment he said that, he realized he shouldn't have.

22:13 And that little woman stood up and leaned on that table and said, what do I want? Yes, ma'am. You wanna know what I want? Yes, ma'am. Are you sure you want to know...

22:26 And each... It seemed like every time she said it, she got bigger and bigger. Are you sure You wanna know what I want? Yes, ma'am. I want him to love me like he promised.

22:41 And the whole room got small. You see, ladies, here it is. I'm I'm not sure why, but the world puts more value on you as a person by how you maintain your outward beauty. Men don't put on makeup, at least I hope they don't, to counteract time. Women wear makeup.

23:15 Women streak their hair. Women pluck their eyebrows because they they know that the world, and especially men, are so visual. And the value of women has been denigrated to just the aesthetics and who you are and what you become and how you work to be that. You sacrifice the the voluptuousness of your body to have children, certain things you can't get back. And and and women often can...

23:53 Their age can be seen in how their body has won and lost battles. Men don't have to worry about that. He can have a beer belly the size of a dining room table, and it doesn't affect him as it does you. And often, a man's eyes will wander. It's evil.

24:14 You shouldn't do it, but it happens. And who you are and what you invested to be what you are and who you are, the sacrifices you've made to be a mother and a wife and a housekeeper isn't appreciated all the time. And that's why seventy five percent of all Christian men are addicted to pornography. They're looking at someone they'll never get, never meet, never know, and not looking at you. And that causes a part of you to shrivel, to emaciate.

24:48 And because of that, smaller issues become bigger issues because you have to win at something. And on the flip side, a man reaches a time where he looks at his life and he's got five kids running around. All of them needs to go to college. All the weight of running a home and maintaining a job and worrying about the future. And now he's got high blood pressure and he takes pills for his heart and he's looking at himself at 50 years old and says, I won't be alive in another fifty years and I haven't accomplished anything.

25:22 I don't have anything. I'm in a house that has 13 rooms and I have no room in here for myself. This either belongs to the kid, to wife. There's kids' toys in my office, my car. I hit the brakes and pop bottles roll up to the front.

25:36 Nothing of mine is mine. So he starts to have a world outside of the home. And the Bible tells us, the Bible warns us, it's the little foxes that spoil the vine. Sin wears a beautiful coat, not an ugly one. If sin showed you what it really looked like, you never had to go after it.

25:56 Remember what Eve said in the garden? The bible says, when she saw that the tree was good for food, a tree to be desired to make one wise. Here is about... Here's the fate of the entire human race, and Satan has disguised it in a little piece of fruit. And she was willing...

26:15 Adam was willing to sell all of their children, humanity, for something that was wicked, disguised as beautiful. And I'm telling you, that's the very issue that we're dealing with in the contention of war between husband and wife. It's usually something that's very ugly, very meaningless, very useless. And if you just waited and paused for a couple hours, you... It dissipate and you'd see how silly it was.

27:02 How much time in your prayer time is spent praying for your spouse? There are other things that are very important missionaries, your work at church, of the gospel, but your premium prayer time should be for the person that you're next to, you're closest to. In my wife's bathroom, I demanded that when I bought my house that my wife would have a bathroom of her own. I do not touch my wife's bathroom. I have the community bathroom with the boys, but she has a bathroom of her own.

27:40 Well, in my wife's bathroom, on her mirror is how to pray for my husband. And I saw the title of it and I refused to read it. I didn't wanna know. I didn't wanna know. That's her prayer.

27:59 I'm just glad she prays it. When I pray for my wife, I try my best not to in any way focus on her weaknesses or her imperfections. It'd be a very short list anyway. But I try my best to say, Lord, make me worthy of the woman I'm married to. I try my best because I know with all the foibles, inconsistencies, eccentricities that my wife has, none of them none of them make it so she's unloving to me.

28:33 And I know who my real enemy is. There are times I stomp around the house. I just get mad and I just stomp around the house. I only... I'm only brave enough to do it when she's not home.

28:42 But just things I don't like, but I refuse. I refuse. If it has no character value to it, if it has no intrinsic value to the wealth of our home and our house, I will not bring it up. I refuse to. Don't lose sight of who your enemy is.

29:03 So let's recap. What was the first thing I told you? Do what? Throw away machine. Alright?

29:13 The Just take an axe to it and beat it to death. What's the next thing? What? Focus on the future. Yes.

29:24 That's right. Your windshield is is much more important and bigger than your rearview mirror. What's the next thing? Don't keep score. Don't keep score.

29:31 Please don't keep score. What's next? Recognize who the enemy is. Recognize who the enemy is. And you'll find something that you'll have more of an impact among the young people in your church.

29:47 It's a fact. Whatever is hid in the dark will be brought to the light. So often, I've, found that couples that look beautiful on Sunday don't get invited home to their house on Monday because it's a maelstrom. It's a maelstrom. When I was counseling with a young lady whose husband, she was living there, they were living together but basically they were separated.

30:14 I said what the was the the reason? What was the impetus behind you guys falling apart? He'd make promises and never keep them. So I went to him. What was it?

30:26 What... What's what's the deal? Why why is it you guys aren't... Everybody knows you're not working. You're just staying together.

30:32 What what was it? And he'd say this. She always told me what was wrong with me. I said, is there any chance of reconciling this? There's any chance.

30:50 And he gave me a dictionary lesson. He says, I don't want reconciliation. I said, why not? He said, because the word reconciliation means to restore to the original condition. We were horrible when we got married.

31:06 I said, okay. We can't have reconciliation. Can we have righteousness? He kinda looked at me first, eyes glazed over. He said, don't even know what righteousness looks like.

31:29 I refuse I refuse. To accept your apology. If you offend me, I refuse to accept your apology. You know what I want instead? The look in your eye that says this won't ever happen again.

31:51 See that that means you realize that love is more important. Dwight, you'll never have to worry about this again, Ever. I don't need words. I need truth. Because if I fear you'll do this again, I can't I can't walk with you.

32:10 I can't have righteousness. And that's what salvation is. Salvation is not parole. Parole is we'll let you out for a time being until you do it again. Salvation is pardon.

32:22 It never happened. And that's what Christ is offering. And that's what we have to offer in our relationships with our spouses. Pardon. It didn't happen.

32:49 Any questions? Any hypotheticals? Yes, sir. Wow. So you have heartburn and she has bags under eyes.

33:27 What's that? Yeah. Like I said before, I have rage issues. I have real bad rage issues. Before, when I was telling my brother and my mother and my best friends and everyone that I was going to marry Stephanie, they all asked the same questions.

33:52 And the question was, has she ever seen you angry? And I said, no. Well, I'm not... And they said, I'm not coming to the wedding. Until that girl knows what she's getting into, I'm not gonna endorse the wedding.

34:03 So I had to explain to Stephanie, I have a real bad, real bad, real bad. I turned into the Hulk. Rate issues. And thank God she's never seen me angry. She's seen me frustrated, but she's never seen me angry.

34:16 It is... I'm a force of nature when I'm angry. So when something happens that can escalate to that, I don't go to bed until I have gone over into my office and I prayed about it and calmed down. I don't need to talk to Stephanie about that's made me angry. I need to talk to the one who really can control me.

34:39 And that's been my solution. My solution is I refuse to go to bed angry. So if I... I'll go in my office and I'll cry and I'll beat my desk and I'll stay up all night, but that's how I deal with my anger. Now if it's a matter of discussion between the two or that the resolution needs to happen in agreement on a certain issue, I can appease...

35:04 If my anger can be appeased, I can table discussion until I'm better able to talk about it. That's how I would remedy the situation. But I look at it my... I try my best to bring my my mind back to the point, I'm wrong, she isn't. I'm wrong, she isn't.

35:23 No matter what it is. She says the sky is green. It's blue. It makes me mad. I'm wrong.

35:28 She isn't. I'm wrong. She isn't. So either God is gonna change my heart or change hers. But I will I will pray about it.

35:37 I have prayed hours at night over something that... And next morning, I wake up and I'm in my desk at my desk sleep. You know, I wake up. But but I'd... I'll do that if I have to.

35:48 Okay. Anyone else? Yes? He always and she never. Always and never.

35:58 In arguments when you do that, they're so far. That's keeping score. That... That's keeping score. Okay.

36:07 Four things to deal with that. Four ways to to diffuse a bomb. One, timing. When do we deal with this? Sometimes the heat of the moment only escalates the problem.

36:23 So you have to be clear enough in your thinking to say, now's not the time to deal with this. Okay? First. Next, tone. How do I deal with this?

36:37 Men, There's no way on earth a man can ever outtalk a woman. Okay. I'm not talking about yelling and louder and all that kind of stuff. A man can be much louder, but a woman can outtalk him. He'll...

36:58 He will say something that's concluded, and then she'll say, that still doesn't change the mind. And she... I mean, she just keeps going. And that... That'd drive a guy crazy.

37:06 So not only timing, but tone. Tone is how you deal with it. After timing and tone, then unless we we we define territories. That's where we talk about it. We're not gonna talk about it in public.

37:35 The issue may have happened in public. Let's wait. Now's not the place. Now's not the time to deal with this. I saw a woman literally fall on the floor and sit and say, I'm not leaving here till we deal with this.

37:52 And it was a screaming issue. And he says, well, I'm not gonna deal with here, he went in the car. And she sat right there in the middle of the church. They turned out the lights. They started putting on the alarm system.

38:05 She was still sitting in the middle of the floor. And the elders said, well, you know what? He's outside. He's he's winning. He's in a warm car, and you're sitting here like a four year old.

38:14 And really, the issue was she was a spoiled brat. That's the bottom line. It wasn't that she was wrong on the issue. Was just the way she dealt with it was was very, very spoiled way to handle it. So you gotta you gotta define territories.

38:42 So do you have to do it here? And then talk. Talk. Choosing your words wisely. Choosing your words so there are no daggers in them.

38:54 Choosing words that are not... Let me tell you something. Let me back up. Where do women learn how to make their sentences accusatory to men? I guess the garbage will never get taken out unless it takes out itself.

39:21 And that's a source of power for women because a guy will freeze and says, okay. Alright. Now I'm even more resolute that I'm not gonna take out the garbage. And that's the way we talk. And I remember a woman saying to me, after I did a seminar like this, she came up and she said, and now that I think about it, just about everything I say to him is an accusation.

39:46 You know, you don't understand what it means for me to have to move the seat up every time you get out the car. And just little foxes spoil the vine. And I said to her very bluntly, I said, he'll be absolutely wrong when you do it, but your husband's gonna cheat on you. And she... What?

40:06 Just for saying stuff like that? I said, you're you're you're carving him down slow. He has no defense. Yes. The garbage should have been taken out.

40:14 Yes. He should have remembered that it's your car and you want the seat up. Yes. He should have taken time out instead of watching the baseball game and mowing the lawn. He has no defense.

40:23 But because you take away from him that aspect, he's not going to argue with you on that. He's gonna get relief somewhere else. There's a woman somewhere out there who's willing to give your husband what you want, even though it's unrighteous, even though it's unholy. I asked a question once to a group of, people who weren't Christians. I said, who's gonna cheat more, man or a woman?

40:47 Everybody says, the man cheats more. Really? I says, who's he cheat with? There's some woman out there who is so desperate for a man, she will be everything you are not. She will listen to him talk about you because that's what he's gonna talk about, how my wife does not, how my wife does, what my wife...

41:12 My wife allowed herself to go this and she will be everything that you are not because that's the way God hardwired man. Remember what I said, you're supposed to be his distraction and when you be... You aren't his distraction, you become his annoyance. You gotta learn how to talk to him. Any other questions?

41:43 No one. Okay. I want everybody to stand up. Everybody stand up. And this is a simple exercise.

41:50 I want you to put your hands together like this. Okay? Now look at your hand. Is your left index finger on top of your right index finger or your right index finger on top of your left index finger? How many is left index finger on top of your right index finger?

42:10 Okay, and everybody else is the other way, right? Okay. But the ones on the right have their okay. Do you realize that this is a genetic disposition? One of your parents and the dominant gene in you, male or female, your mother or your father, has the same thing.

42:25 It's nowhere in the world, nowhere in the world that both of your parents are opposite of you. That's just genetics. You have one of your parents' earlobes. I don't have earlobes. My earlobes are attached.

42:41 I don't have little danglies to play with, okay? That's because my father has no earlobes, okay? This is genetic dyslipidemia. It doesn't feel right to do this if you're like this. Okay, now here's another way we're going look at it.

42:54 Turn your left thumb down like this, your right thumb down like this, put them together. Okay? And now look at which one is on top of the other. Okay? And then turn over.

43:14 If you can't do it, if you can't do it, your IQ is below 80. Try it again, put them together, and see which one is on top of the other. You might have your watch might get in your way. And just turn them over. Okay.

43:37 Watch Dwight one more time. We are hunters and gatherers. At our primal level, God made us hunters and gatherers. We follow what distracts us. Watch.

43:54 Left hand, right hand, put them together, I break loose and do this. See this? Try it. Some of you all still missed them. Watch again, watch.

44:08 I distracted you. I did this like you and... Alright? And I put them together, right? Put them together.

44:35 And he says, why can't you do this? There must be something wrong with me. He's the deceiver. Okay. That's just a crowd breaker.

44:42 You can sit back down. But do that to kids, it'll drive them crazy. Okay, real quick, four things and then I'll let you go home. How do we become one? Well, know, in actuality, you're one.

45:07 You don't have to try it. You know, it's like an apple tree. How much effort does an apple tree have to do... Go through to produce an apple? It's natural.

45:16 It happens. If you are who God created you to be and you're one in Christ, you're gonna be one in relationships. As matter of fact, an interesting word study on the Hebrew word for adultery. The Hebrew word for adultery actually, as it's parsed out, means to become another man. When a woman commits adultery with another man, she is committing the crime of trying to become one and another man.

45:41 What was the woman's name in the garden? No. Adam. It wasn't till after the fall that Adam gave his wife individuality and separation. They're one.

46:00 Adam. That's what God called them. Adam. Read Genesis five two. Now same way.

46:08 You are what God created you to be, and you are one. Now how do you live as one is the issue. First of all, you gotta define your roles. Defining roles. Who is going to commit which part of this marriage and who's going to commit the other?

46:28 Simple things at first. What's the first thing you divide up when you get married? Okay, well, you're going to pay the bills. You're going to do the shopping. You're going to care of the inside of the house.

46:38 I'm gonna take care of the outside of the house. Alright? That's defining roles. That's it in its simplicity, but you have to take it all the way down to its most important common denominator. I have a standing principal in my house.

46:52 My wife does not open the door. If it's at all possible, if I'm not in the shower or on the throne reading my bible, my boys being there, my wife does not open the door. Does anybody know why I have that principle? Another principle, my wife doesn't answer the phone. Why not?

47:17 What is it? For safety. Why? Why is it that safety? Just thinking that you might be alone at home and with no land that they can come.

47:29 And then they'll watch the house and take advantage of her. So it's understood in my home that the world sees a dominant male presence. That's important to me. Also, I don't want my wife have to deal with creditors or 800 numbers or other things that just called at random. People trying to sell her a farm on the moon.

47:58 I want... That's... My wife's... That's not her responsibility. She's protected from that that, not restricted from it.

48:06 There's times when I'm at home and she has to answer the phone. That's not the issue. The point is that our home has a principle that she is not to have the concern or the worry about things that are trying to get in from the outside. So we have to define our roles and then stick to them. Listen, define your roles and stay in your lane.

48:28 Ladies, it is impossible for you to be a father to your children. I don't care how deep your voice is. You can... And fathers, you cannot be a mother to your children. Even, god forbid, that the spouse dies, you have to let god be the father to the fatherless ladies.

48:50 You've got to. You've to let him find the way to deal with children without a mother. The Bible says in Isaiah chapter one verse 17, it says, learn to do well, relieve the oppressed, plead for the fatherless, and cheer the widow. So that's when the body of Christ comes in and absorbs the weight of that. So define your roles and walk in them.

49:14 Don't get out of your lane. Don't do that. It bugs me when my wife takes out the garbage. That bugs me. Bugs her too, but it bugs me when she does that.

49:31 I don't want her fixing anything. Not that she's not capable. That's not her role. That's my role. I either fix it or have it fixed.

49:39 So first, define your roles and stay in your lane. Next thing. We talked about the difference between a house and a home. Does anybody need to go any further in that, the difference between a house and a home? Did we cover that enough?

49:52 Okay. The next thing, determine your goals. What is your one year, your two year, your five year, your ten year, your twenty year, one hundred year plan? What what is... What what are your goals?

50:09 What are you trying to accomplish? What's next on the agenda? What are you working toward? Are you doing that together? You see, if you're in sync, you're never out of place.

50:23 It it it bugs me when my wife says to somebody, that's the first time I'm hearing that. In other words, I've been talking about something that I wanna do and I haven't discussed it with her. And I've gotten better at it. I used to do it all the time because I'm... I mean, I was single for forty five years.

50:38 I didn't get married till I was 45 years old. And now I'm 39. It's kinda hard to break that habit. But I was so independent all by myself. And then I discuss a plan or something when someone go back to Stephanie and say, she says, this is the first time I'm hearing this.

50:56 That bugs me because I failed. I didn't talk to her about it first. Or sometimes I, you know, I get forgetful. She'll say, you already told me that. I already knew that.

51:07 I'm the one that told you that, Dwight. Okay? So determine your goals. What you have planned up ahead? I remember us talking two years ago about something that I really don't like.

51:23 Stephanie is not the oldest child in her family. She's second oldest, but it bothers me that she's always had to compromise when it comes to her family. She moved to Detroit with me, and she sees her parents. She's lucky if she sees her parents once a year. And it bugs me to no end that everything's about my family.

51:46 My family. My family. And I I wanna see her parents more, and I want her to see her parents more. And I want our resources to be more legitimate toward that. And I...

51:55 And and and drives me crazy. So the... Her parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary is this year, and we wanted to do something special for them. And then I said, let's take them on a cruise. You know, where do want to go?

52:06 You know, I want to go to Caribbean or something like that. So we decided we want to go to Europe. And I'm a full time missionary, guys. I don't have a fixed income. I have a faith income.

52:16 Alright? At least with a fixed income, you may not like how much you're getting, but you know how much you're getting it when it's coming. You don't have that with a faith income. You know, it's either feast or foul. It's it's it's...

52:29 You do the best you can. So I started saving and saving and saving and saving. And I started saving with the aspect not just that we take her parents on a cruise, but we help the other brothers and sisters if they wanna go. Now that's that's the goal because I I I honestly believe in my heart, I owe my wife that much. I owe my wife that much.

52:57 She's given up everything. She was moved away thousands of miles away from all of her siblings and her parents. And and and we worked through that and it's gonna happen. Maybe nobody else will go with this, but it's gonna happen. It's in motion.

53:13 Determine your goals. Hey, don't die until you're dead. Okay? Is that fair? Don't quit on you until it's over.

53:25 Dream. That's the next point. Dare to dream. What's what's next on the agenda? What's what crazy...

53:36 You know, I love I love looking in the eye of the impossible and saying it's not. We can pull that off. Stephanie says that I'm an optimist, I say she's a pessimist, and she says, no. I'm a realist. Well, we gotta meet somewhere in the middle.

53:56 Okay? I believe we can do it. I believe we can do it. Let's let's let's at least try. Dare to dream.

54:06 Tom Skinner, who was a man who was to me the greatest evangelist that ever lived, the year before, we didn't know he was going go home and be with the Lord, but the year before he went on to be with Lord was my first year in a full time ministry. And I called him on the phone and I said, Tom, I said, Lord has called me in a full time ministry. He said, what? I said, yeah, he's called me in a full time ministry. He said, give me a minute.

54:28 He went back and talked to his wife. His wife was a very powerful woman on Capitol Hill. And he comes back forty minutes later. I thought he hung up on me. And he says, what are you doing the next two hours?

54:41 I said, nothing. He said, pick me up from the airport. Here's a man on his own dime, flew to Detroit, canceled all of his engagements to disciple me for a month in full time ministry. And then at the end of that month, he paid for everything, his hotel fare, everything. End of that that month, he says, now pack your bags.

55:05 You're coming to live with me. He has a farm called Skinner Farms. He says, you're stay with me for two months... Two weeks. And this is how prominent and powerful this Christian evangelist was.

55:16 Every president from Johnson forward sent their cabinet to spend a week with him. Every president. From Johnson to Nixon to Ford to, Carter, Reagan. And here's a man who's gonna share with them the gospel. That's how influential and powerful he was.

55:36 Billy Graham can't even boast of that. And he sends me to his farm, and he practically rewrote my whole theology on what it was to love people. Okay? And Tom, as I was going down the jet bridge, it'd be the last time I would see him. He said this to me, last thing I want out of you, Dwight.

55:57 One day a week, no matter where you are in the world, put your foot up on the desk, lean back in your chair, and dream. Dream. Nothing great ever happens without a dream. No matter how many times you've been knocked down, no matter how many times you've been pushed around, get back up and risk failing all over again. You've got the greatest partner in the world, and it's your husband or wife.

56:40 Divinely, the Holy Spirit put you two together to accomplish together what you could never do alone. So do it. Do it. Find some young person who's struggling and love them into reality. Grab a couple and put your arms around them and give them your wisdom.

57:04 I went to the man who led me to the Lord and asked him a simple question. I said, I'm I'm I'm struggling in the areas. I... I'm I'm I'm overly sexually tempted. What do I do, brother?

57:14 And you know what his wisdom to me was? Play basketball. What? Play basketball. Alright.

57:28 I tried that for about six weeks. I came back six weeks later. I said, brother, help me. He said, what's the matter? I said, I did what you told me.

57:36 I played basketball. He said, what's the problem? I said, it's worse. He said, why? I said, the girls are showing up at the basketball court.

57:44 And then he told me something so perverse, it still bothers me today. He said, find one girl, don't treat her as a whore, but have sex with her on a consistent basis and that'll burn off that young passion in you. And I said, but that's not godly. He said, you asked me how to solve the problem. And because I would not take his advice, he started a rumor that lasted for twenty years that I was a homosexual.

58:12 That's why young people will often never talk to us. We are quick to criticize, quick to condemn, quick to critique, but never confront. Let's look at the real issue. What's going on here? Make your home a respite for people who want answers.

58:41 Dream about a church, an assembly where young people get married, happy, and stay together forever. Hey. You're not too old. Work in the nursery for a while. Remember what it is to smell baby bottom.

59:00 Just just just just dream of something better. We made a promise to the young people in our church. And here's the promise. If you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend to us the moment you start dating and let us begin counseling with you... I don't care if it's a short relationship or a long one.

59:15 Doesn't matter. Just let us start counseling with you, and it fruitions all the way up to the point where you decide to get married, the church will pay for your wedding. The church will pay for your wedding. Now it's not gonna be like princess Diana and Charles. It's gonna be it's gonna be a modest wedding, but we'll pay for your wedding.

59:32 We'll pay for the reception if you'll just do that. We wanna invest that much in you. And you know what? Honestly, we started with 11 kids in our youth group. It grew to 98.

59:46 And those kids that allowed us to do that, they're still married to this day twenty five, thirty years later. No problems. And guess what they're doing? They're investing in other young people and other comp... Couples.

59:58 Do you want your assembly healthy? Well, don't be a complainer. Be a doer. Dare to dream. Dare to dream.

60:08 You know what Jesus said? He said this, the works that I do, you shall do and Greater. Greater. How many of are part of that greater group? Dare to dream.

60:22 Dare to dream. God put you here with that mate of yours as a help meet, not a hell mate. And if your marriage is rocky, if you're in a situation where you're... You just wanna throw your hands up in the air and quit, you're ready for the Holy Spirit to perform a miracle. So first, define your roles.

60:47 Determine the difference between a house and a home. Determine your goals and their dare to dream and accomplish them. I remember when my first book was published and I brought in the certificate of authorship and ownership and the ISBN number. I said, well, Stephanie, we did it. I thought I would never write a book, and we've sold 11 copies so far.

61:21 No. It's it's been wonderful. And and Ray, it's not four books. It's actually six books that are published now. Nine written, six published.

61:51 Thou forever great is thy faithfulness great is thy faithfulness morning by morning mercies I see thy hand hath provided great is thy faithfulness lord unto me Let me pause for

62:37 a second. You know why it's called... They're called hymns? Because it's about hymn. H y m n is a Middle English way of spelling h I m.

62:47 And knowing this, the author took one verse and doesn't mention us at all. Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, sun, moon and stars in their courses above join with all nature and manifold faithfulness to thy manifold blessing to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. We're not mentioning it all in that verse. And that's what hymns are supposed to be. They're supposed to be about hymn.

63:10 So that's why I love hymns. Alright? Summer and Winter.

63:15 Summer and winter and springtime and harvest. Sun, moon, and stars in their courses join with the nature in to thy great faithfulness mercy and love great is thy faithful ness great is thy faithfulness morning by morning mercies I see fulness lord unto me pardon for sin and the peace that endureth thine own dear presence to cheer and to god and bright hope for tomorrow blessings

65:15 with

65:15 10,000 great is thy faithfulness great is thy faithfulness morning by morning mercies I see I have great

65:58 great

65:58 is is thy thy faith faithfulness great is thy faithfulness great is thy faithfulness