Marriage Conference 2018 - 01 - Basic Principles of Marriage — Genesis 2

0:00 It's good to be with you and with my family. I live up in Troy, Michigan which is just Northeast of Detroit. I'm glad to be down here because I gained about three degrees coming down. So it was worth all the icy windshield and all of that just to pick up three more degrees of warmth. Thank you for coming out.

0:27 Thank you for the opportunity to share the word of God with you. I suppose one could approach marriage from a number of vantage points. Certainly one could think about it in sociological terms, all of the facts and figures, and how many people are getting married, and how many people are getting divorced, and all of that. That's an interesting line of inquiry. Could take kind of a philosophical kind of approach to marriage and certainly philosophers have had things to say about it.

1:16 One could come at it from the standpoint of some kind of an expert who kind of studies it and lives with it. And to some degree I spend a good deal of time in thinking about marriage and sitting with people who are married. I'm a psychologist by profession. And so I see a fair number of couples in my practice. I see more than couples, but I see a lot of couples.

1:49 And marriage is hard work and I don't think I need to be a psychologist to figure that one out. Because I'm also a practitioner of a thing. God has blessed me with a lovely wife. Her name is Glory. Really, G O O R Y, just like it sounds.

2:11 And we've been married thirty eight years. And we are grateful to God for his grace. And we have two children, both adults, one married and living away in the state of Maryland. And another still with us, soon to marry and move out. So we are looking at what many people call empty nesting.

2:43 And we had a triad at once, we were somewhat used to it when both of our kids were away at college. Had kind of a mock run at being empty nesters, and this time we were going to be it for good. And we fellowship at Martin Road Gospel Chapel, a small gathering of the Lord's people. And it's been a privilege to grow in the grace of God with them, to study the word of God with them and to teach it to some degree. And we've enjoyed Brother Ray coming out from time to time when he used to live in Michigan.

3:29 And he's been very faithful even after he left Michigan, still to make the trip. And we appreciate that. So I want to think with you about marriage, and I think you know that that's what we'll be thinking about, and if you think you are at the wrong conference, I wish I could tell you there is something else going on in the back room. The only thing going on in the back room is people get the primer ready and I don't know if you want to leave here to go there and be put to work, so this may be the best option you have. How many in here are married?

4:15 That's most everybody. I think it was Warren Wiersby who once said that people get married for better or for worse, but not for long. And again, this evening my exercise is not to give you all of the facts and figures about the percentage of people that are getting divorced and the number of children that are growing up in single family homes and the depressing news. And it is bad, it is sad, it is taking a toll on people, and it's taking a toll on families, it takes a toll on society, it takes a toll on the church, and nobody wins. My exercise for the weekend is to really think with you from scripture some of the very basic principles that God has given about marriage.

5:33 I would hazard a guess that I'm probably not going to say much of anything that's going to be new. And whenever I speak somewhere anymore and somebody says, well that was really new, never heard that before, I get a bit nervous. Because if it's that new, I probably said something that is not correct. So like Peter says in writing the letter, know my desire and exercise is to really stir up your good minds about the things that you perhaps already know. Because all of us, whether married and been at it for a while and have battle scars and all to prove it, or we just started out and we are still in that state of unbelief and ecstasy and all of that, or you are thinking of getting married one day.

6:55 We all need to come back to the basic principles of marriage. Because it is after all God's idea. So I want to begin with reading from a very familiar passage of scripture in the book of Genesis. I guess if you're thinking about marriage it's a good thing to begin at Genesis, isn't it? And you will notice as you consider this passage that it was not Adam's idea to find a wife.

8:05 No, it's not Adam's idea at all. Once it was all worked out, Adam thought it was a great idea. But it is God who brings up the whole business. Look at verse 18 of chapter two. I'm going to read out of the New King James, and you can follow along in whatever translation it is that you are following.

8:35 And the Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him, a very interesting and important word. A helper who is comparable to him. And if that should be highlighted, it is safe to conclude that up to this point, Adam did not have a helper who would be comparable to him. His equal in a sense.

9:14 And that becomes very, very important when we look at some other passages particularly in the New Testament. Verse 19, out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.

9:49 There is the idea again. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam and he slept and he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man he made into a woman and He brought her to the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

10:32 We'll trust the Lord, we'll bless the public reading of his word, and we'll kind of begin there and look at a few other passages as we go along. When we look at marriage, even in scripture, we could take a couple of different approaches to inquiring into it. You can certainly look at specific passages that give very specific instructions about how we are to conduct ourselves in marriage. There are specific things addressed to the husbands. Ephesians five, we'll get to it.

11:18 Colossians three, one Peter three, one Corinthians seven are some passages that quickly come to mind when we think about God's very specific instructions and our suggestions. They're not saying, you know, these are these are good things to try. No. These are actually direct commands given by God, which we need to hear as direct commands and if direct commands then they need to be obeyed. Okay?

11:50 So, and I often do this with especially believing couples that I work with sometimes, know. When one or the other is really in a funny place about their marriage and things are not going well. And usually when a husband says that the marriage is not going well, it's because the wife is not doing something properly. Have you noticed that phenomenon? And if the wife says that the marriage is not going well, usually it is because the husband is not doing something properly.

12:36 And when I sit with couples, and you know I guess having been one, I can see how this happens. You know I'm far more familiar with all the things that the Holy Spirit tells the wife. I almost know them by heart. One of the things that I ask couples to do and maybe you want to try it sometime you know. When you read those passages, do a selective reading so that you only look at things addressed to you.

13:19 And if you're a husband you're completely leaving out what the Holy Spirit asks the wife to do. And if you're a wife you are selectively, intentionally, deliberately leaving out all of the things that are spoken to the husband. And do a reading and really sit with it. Meditate on it, pray about it, obey it and see what difference it makes. Not just in your marriage, but see what difference it makes in your relationship with the Lord.

15:01 Amen. Okay. It doesn't matter what I think or what the elders think or what the neighbor next door thinks. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what the Supreme Court thinks.

15:15 Because you know, as I do, that there is such a movement afoot about even redefining marriage so that the whole thing is redefined out of meaningfulness. There is such an assault on marriage because marriage is a work of God. And the enemy of God is opposed to any and every work of God and marriage and family is no exception. So when we think about marriage I think we need to come up with these basic foundational convictions. That the Bible that gives us instruction about the marriage is the inspired Word of God.

16:18 Okay? And this Word is inerrant. Without error. You know, God doesn't have to go back and say, well I thought that two thousand years ago state of affairs have changed, here is the new addition. When Jesus talked about marriage He went back to Genesis didn't He?

16:54 It was so from the beginning. When Paul writes about marriage in Ephesians five, he goes back to Genesis. God's instruction given in the word of God is inspired, it is inerrant. It is authoritative. Meaning, that I do not sit in judgment on what the scripture says about marriage or any other thing that it speaks about.

17:33 I stand under its authority. It judges me rather than my judging it. God's word that gives us instruction is inspired. It's without error. It's authoritative, and it is sufficient.

18:00 These four principles ought to govern our thinking. Whether we are going through a famously good time in our marriage, or we are going through a time of tempest, a time of trial. It does not matter what season of marriage we may be in. Pre children, raising children, what did I say I was going to get into it? Empty nest, grandparenting, it does not matter what stage or phase of marriage you're in.

18:44 The Word of God is the inspired, inerrant, authoritative, sufficient word. So to think about marriage as Christian, what constitutes it Christian? It's not simply that we had a church wedding. Know, some people think that that's what makes marriage Christian. Know, we went to church, walked up the aisle, a minister united us and there was pipe organ playing.

19:19 What more can you ask for? A lot more. And it is not even that you had a few, few hymns and a couple of prayers, and even a few bible verses sprinkled in. Now those are all good things, please don't misunderstand me. But just having those things as formalities do not make a marriage Christian.

20:42 Has a lot to do with marriage, doesn't it? Bear with one another. What? That has something to do with marriage, doesn't it? Be angry and sin not.

21:04 Could that have anything to do with marriage? See I think you know to really think about what makes or constitutes a marriage Christian, we have to think of this in terms of everything that scripture addresses us with has implication for all our relationships and certainly for the relationship of marriage. Marriage is God's idea and He gives us instruction about our conduct in it. And marriage in the mind of God has priority over family. Does that make sense?

22:05 Marriage has got priority over family. That's why even after children are gone, they're grown and gone, marriage is still that unit with which God is working. Now God of course anticipated children coming into marriage. It's not that when children started being born to Adam and Eve there was great exercise in heaven and God was wringing his hands and going, what's going to happen to their marriage now? I never saw this coming.

22:55 Well, you probably heard it. I have heard it, you know. We were doing famously well and then came children and everything. The wheels came off. See the God who decided that it is not good for man to be alone and brought Adam and Eve together and united them.

23:24 And in that union Adam became a poet. You remember what I read? You know Adam looks at Eve and he is now waxing poetic bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. Almost sounds like Shakespeare, you know. And then sin entered.

23:50 The poetry went out the window. And Adam is now painfully prosaic. And he says, you know, it's don't ask me anything, it's the woman. Bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh, the woman. And the woman that you gave.

24:21 It's plenty of blame to go around here, know. You bear part of the blame, you bear part of the respect. It was your grand idea. Sin does a job on marriage, right? It dislocates everything.

25:22 Just picture a wheel and spokes. The closer the spokes are to the hub, closer they are to each other, right? The further away from the hub, the further away you get from each other. God's design for marriage is that arrangement in which both the husband and the wife have and maintain a relation, a dependent relationship with him. And they are dependent on one another.

26:03 And you change things at the center, things start falling apart elsewhere. So just to encourage you, sin has disrupted relationships, yours, mine, every person that you know. Sin has taken a toll. Now that doesn't mean that we need to despair. God's design is that in this fallen world, fallen people being brought together by the goodness of God in marriage can have a marriage that pleases him and would result in mutual satisfaction, comfort and companionship.

27:20 And that is the order. My purpose, first of all in my marriage is that I please God. Okay. And my desire for my wife should be that in our marriage that she first of all pleases God. If I change that order I'm going to be in trouble.

27:48 If you're a husband and have a wife, your wife's first job is not to please you, it is to please God. Your first job is not to please your wife but to please God. But if you're doing that chances are very good that as spouses you'll be pleased with one another. Living in a fallen world with fallen spouses God has seen fit to give us the gift of marriage because one day I'm going to be perfect. You know I'm looking forward to that day when I'm going to be perfect.

28:37 But I cannot do anything with regards to my being a husband when I become perfect. Because when I'm perfect which is when I'm in the presence of God, The Lord Jesus told us clearly, then there will not be a marriage like the arrangement we have now. So if you're going to do something about a marriage and really advancing it to be all that God meant it to be, do it now. Don't wait until you're a perfect man. Or until your wife is a perfect woman because when that state is reached God is done away with this arrangement.

29:30 This arrangement for now. And in the wisdom and the providence of God, he has brought husbands and wives together to live out His ideal for our relationships down here, which includes children if God should grant that to couples. And maybe in the third session we'll look a little bit about what that is like to take on that stewardship of having and raising children within the context of marriage. And then tomorrow, Lord willing, we will look at maybe kind of a case study. So I started to say that you can look at specific instructions and I got kind of a, I got on a rabbit trail I suppose.

31:04 Some that if I were writing it I wouldn't have included. Because there are some marriages that we find in scripture that you sit and you know, skin curls and you know you'll be embarrassed to read it in public. And it's all just miserable. People are doing really bad things to each other and some of those people are included in the very genealogy of our Savior. Which tells us something about the redemptive God we have.

31:55 It's not so much that they did such a magnificent job, but that God, who is sovereign in grace and mercy, in His purposes, is a God of all wisdom and of all grace. And He redeems, He restores. And He honors even the simplest of faith in him. Not just faith, but faith in him. All right, that said, maybe we'll kinda think a little bit about this as the background, Genesis two.

32:48 And if you come to chapter 24 of Genesis. We've gone through several centuries of history between chapter two and chapter 24. We have the record of a couple coming together. I guess that's how you all got together as a couple, right? Somehow you had to come together.

33:20 Now very few people sitting here would look at Genesis 24 and would say, this is exactly how we got married. Okay. So it's not so much all of the narrative in terms of how Isaac and Rebecca came together. But I think there are some pretty significant principles that you find about marriage in chapter 24. First of all, we have Isaac, Abraham's promised son, and he's of a marriageable age.

34:04 And Abraham has a concern for Isaac finding a suitable wife. That almost sounds like God's thought in chapter two, doesn't it? Adam needs to have a woman who would be comparable, suitable. So Abraham is having that thought, my son needs to have a suitable wife. Now this is not all in the text.

34:48 Here I'm doing a little bit of not eisegesis, but maybe an application. That's a good word. We can do application. Cannot get it out of the text, but here's an application. If you are a father, a mother, and if you have children, this is kind of a good and godly desire to have about your children that they marry suitable spouses.

35:17 You know it's not uncommon for me to hear people say, well you know when it comes to what my children believe or who they marry, I don't want to mess with that. Want them to decide, really. Now I come from a culture where parents are certainly a lot more involved in the whole business of marriage. And I know in the West it's not quite the same. But just to put it out there, if you really would influence your child as to where he would go to kindergarten, and if you would influence your child as to what sports he's going to play, what musical lessons he's going to have, where he's going to go to college, what major he's going to take up, what kind of a used car he's going to get, why would you not want to have some clear input into the kind of woman or man they're going to marry?

36:46 But just think about that. So Abraham says, my son needs to have a wife and he shouldn't have a woman from the culture in which he is now, a Canaanite. He doesn't want to go back to where he came from. He doesn't want his son to go back there, but he wants his son to have a suitable wife which he thought would be from among his own people. So he engages one of his servants and puts him on a mission.

38:10 A suitable, comparable, someone who is as equal? See these themes run throughout scripture, doesn't it? You can sample it in Genesis, you can sample it in Ephesians, you can sample it in Corinthians. It cuts across scripture. Why?

38:33 God thought of it. He designed it. And He hasn't changed His mind across the centuries all the way through Scripture. That theme gets repeated in one way or in another. So if you've got that template in your mind you can see how they all fit together.

38:57 Alright let's come back again to Genesis 24. So here it is. So you go you go back to my people and Abraham also says in verse seven to his servant. We don't know who it was, some think it was probably Eliezer but I wouldn't put anybody out of fellowship if they didn't think that. So he says you know the Lord God of heaven who brought me out, he's going to send his angel before you to kind of make it all come to pass.

39:40 So He's trusting on the guidance and the direction of God. And then if you come up to verse 12, here is the servant praying to God, O Lord God of my master Abraham, I pray thee send me a good speed this day and show kindness unto my master Abraham. So here is a man who is going on this mission who is also depending upon God to guide. Abraham having sent him says, the Lord is going to guide you with his angels. And the servant who is getting on his mission is also now depending on God to guide and direct.

40:33 It's a lot of prayer going on in here isn't it? Does that say anything about how prayerful ought we to be? Both those that are considering entering into marriage, as well as those that are surrounding them parents, fellow Christians, to be prayerfully seeking the Lord on behalf of a young man or a woman considering marriage. Then you come down to verse 16. Rebecca shows up and she is introduced in verse 16 as a very fair to look upon young lady, a virgin, neither had any man known her, and so on and so forth.

42:11 I don't know that much about camels, I actually don't know anything about camels. But Googles will tell you a lot of thing about camels. So I looked to see how much water a camel would drink. I saw some that said 50 gallons in three minutes. I said that just sounds like Google.

42:37 So I looked again, but you know, the range is somewhere from 30 to 50. So here is this young lady who came to, and this is not like turning on the tap, know. This is like really drawing from a hole with the skin and bringing it up. And I'll water all these 10 extremely thirsty animals. But what is that saying?

43:13 It's saying something about her heart of generosity, isn't it?