Shepherding - Conflict resolution — Proverbs 15-18

0:00 Alright. Let's pray. Our dear father, we thank you for the greatness of our wonderful redeemer. I cannot imagine anyone less capable and worthy to do what he's done. He has he has...

0:17 Comes to the plan of redemption with all the credentials of God, and then he humbles himself like someone lower than man, a worm in no man, and now exalted back to the glory of heaven. We find this person of your son to be the most worthy and adorable and loving and kind shepherd we've ever met. And we just think of him... We just think he's the the greatest, the best, and and we we just thank you for your son. Father, tonight, as we gather at the Westlake Fellowship, we just wanna ask you to to pour out your blessing upon us, to rain it in a thunderstorm manner upon us as we would talk with you about the things of your word.

1:07 I do pray for your blessing as they work through matters of oversight and eldership and that they would have the opportunity to grow greatly in these matters. In Jesus' name, amen. Well, let me first start off by an apology to you for last week. I thought it was gonna work out, but things kinda get un... How do I say?

1:30 Things happen in an unscheduled fashion here when you're in The Bahamas, and some things were happening that I I didn't feel like I could I could get out of, and I thought I'd heard a lot of lot of hosts' feelings. So if I if I offended you all, I deeply ask you to forgive me. It's not my intention, and and I I I just wanna humble myself before you and and and begin that way. Thank you for your patience and your kindness. You know, to...

2:01 I I wanna kinda go back to where we left off. And, Ray, I think we're we're... I need to be about a half an hour. Is that right? Is that right, Ray?

2:11 About a half an hour? Yes. That's good. Okay. So I wanna go back to some of the things that we've been talking about.

2:18 And over the course of the last... Well, it seems like it's been three or four months now, we... We've we've discussed elder shepherding and we got real specific and discussed eldership. And there was a a question that was given to me about deacons. I'm gonna answer that later on.

2:37 And then we began to talk more specifically about, well, how does it come together and what does it look like and can... And how... Is there a template that we could follow or that we could sort of think through? And then we've had several sessions with just the men and we talked about some of the personalities and the workings and you've you've gone through the the expressed desires of the two current elders, and now brothers are are are realizing and thinking the... Of the seriousness of this matter, and perhaps there is a measure of a of a time stamp involved that we we do need to bring things to...

3:20 By the grace and wisdom of the spirit of God to closure. And so what I've tried to do these last few sessions is just simply sort of talk about things that would help the process along. And one of those tonight is an area that will be difficult to talk about and will be very important to consider. So I wanna prepare you spiritually and emotionally before I get into this. Now what I'm gonna talk about is this whole idea of conflict that we we we have conflict that we must deal with.

3:57 And and in order to talk about this, I'll I'll refer to where conflict comes from. The first thing I wanna say about conflict or contention, you know, those moments when we're in a meeting and it's a little bit tense and it's awkward and somebody said something that can be a little bit inflammatory and you can take it in a certain inflammatory way or you can take it in a way in the best possible light. And so I wanna address that, and I think the scripture has lots to say about that. Number one, I want us to realize that conflict and contention is not a healthy thing. Proverbs eighteen nineteen, if you have your bibles, you can turn to that.

4:41 It says, a brother offended is harder to win than a strong city and contentions are like the bars of a castle. So as you go forward in this process of of dealing and recognize... Recognizing oversight and and kind of a new chapter to the assembly history, we have to be careful not to not only to build in the right way, but also to avoid putting bars on the windows. That's what it says there. They're like the bars of a castle.

5:15 What does that mean? You can't get in and you can't get out, and that's what contentions do. So we wanna we wanna have a special eye to this topic. Proverbs twenty twenty verse three says, it's honorable for a man to to stop striving or quarreling. It is a good thing to not continue to be an instigator in tension and conflict.

5:45 That's what he means by that. Any... I I... This one is very startling. It says, any fool can start a quarrel.

5:53 That's very important to us. When we start getting into the specifics, there's going to be our ourselves, our agendas, our own personal pride is gonna enter in. And and when that happens, you'll be tempted to push your point and to drive home your issue. And I want you to know that there is a way to do that, but it should not happen for the purpose of causing problems. That's not what we're trying to do.

6:23 We're trying to solve problems. Any fool can start a quarrel. Let's leave the flesh outside. That's what has to happen. Now there's another preliminary verse that's important to to remember.

7:06 Now the reason why the proverb says it that way is because once the water gets released, now there is an uncontrollable flood of emotions, sometimes anger, sometimes hatred, sometimes just being controversial that will not be... You can't gain that back once that dam breaks open. So the scripture is telling us, listen, you gotta be careful about contention. You have to realize that when it happens, you put bars on your windows, no one could get in or no one can get out. That's not the kind of assembly you wanna be.

7:44 Number two, you want to remember that it is not honorable to keep fighting. Any fool can do that. What's honorable is to bring contention down to where it's resolvable. That's the key. Don't overlook it.

8:00 Don't sweep it under the carpet, but we're gonna resolve our differences and resolve our problems. And and then finally, this idea that we want to be wise enough to to deescalate the situation so that we don't have irreversible damage. And that's kind of why I wanted to talk about conflict. Now, the next few minutes, we're going to talk about where conflict comes from, where it comes from. This is all from the scriptures, and it amazed me when I began this study about the sources of conflict.

8:37 I want you... It's all in the Proverbs tonight. The first passage that we're gonna address about where conflict comes from is Proverbs chapter 10 and verse 11. So if you look there, Proverbs chapter 10 and verse 11. Now I wanna remind you why I'm doing this.

8:56 I'm doing this because it will help the entire assembly on other issues that you'll address in the future, but it'll specifically help those brothers as they meet together and work through, pray through, as the spirit leads them an oversight. So this is a a teaching that will be applicable to the entire assembly. Now Proverbs chapter 10 and verse 12 says the following. It says, hatred stirs up strife. Do you notice that word, strife?

9:28 But love covers all sins. Now in Hebrew poetry, there's many different parallel forms. This one parallel form is what we call a contrasting parallel form. Hatred stirs up problems. Love covers sins.

9:48 You see that hatred and love are the opposite, and they have opposite results. Now why do I bring this up? Steve, do you think we go around hating each other in the meeting? No. The word hatred means...

10:04 In the in the Hebrew, it means to set yourself against someone else. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that you have an emotional distaste and disrespect for someone else. It means that you have a disposition where you are just sort of the obstinate, stubborn individual. Now I have to tell you, that is a really big problem. In the Bible, there was one person who was singled out as this stubborn nature and and he started out well but he rapidly ended poorly and his name was Saul.

11:22 But I can tell you, I don't want that discussion with the Lord Jesus. And what I've seen, what I've learned over the years is that this idea of if it's not my way, then it's the highway. This idea that I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you better do what I think anyway. This idea of I don't... I I I don't like your...

11:42 I I don't wanna do what the idea is because I didn't think of it. Let me tell you something. That's gotta go. That's just gotta go. And an assembly that will kill you, it produces one thing.

11:55 Read it again. Strife. Hatred set up against someone else stirs up strife. Now what we need is the love of Christ in the situation. This verse, love covers all sin.

12:09 In another... In a in a in a... In the New Testament, it's repeated. Love covers a multitude of sins. The idea is that we wanna approach this without a sense of me being right, me being correct, me being the last word, and instead strip that out...

12:27 Let that... Strip out that fleshly part and allow the the spirit of God to permeate our souls with loving one another, which concerns the other person's benefit and the other person's perspective rather than my own. So the point number one is very important. Being against obstinate, sort of that cantankerous, gotta have it my way person, that stirs up strife. What's the second thing that stirs up strife?

12:54 Now this one is almost as hard as the first one, and it's it's in Proverbs chapter 13 and verse 10. What I'm asking you as saints to do this evening, and I didn't even warn you for... Warn you about it, so it's unfair, but I'm asking you to look in the mirror and weigh these things carefully, for in so doing, you will put in place stepping stones to allow your process to go more smoothly. Proverbs chapter 13 and verse 10 says, by pride comes nothing but strife. I'll read that again.

13:28 By pride comes nothing but strife. You know, we change that. We say by pride comes nothing but... Well, maybe once in a while, it can produce some good. Let me say it again.

13:38 It never never, never produces any good. It only causes conflict. But with the well advised is wisdom. Now pride in a meeting is a killer. You can be young and have pride.

13:59 You can be old and have pride. Pride is this idea in the New Testament of thinking of myself more highly than I ought to think. That's in Romans chapter 12. In the Old Testament, it's the idea that I'm not... I'm...

14:12 I don't want God to tell me what to do. Nebuchadnezzar said that and he lifted up his hand and said... And and the pride... The man of pride says, who... What are you doing?

14:22 It's as if to say, I have enough of who I am and what I am that I answer to no one. And when you do that, what happens is you make God answerable to you. In essence, you become the God. Now that's not very foreign to God. He actually saw it transact perhaps for the first time in Satan or Lucifer.

14:47 That's exactly what he said. I will be like the most high God. If you want to have an assembly that is very closely aligned to the DNA of Satan, all you gotta do is preserve pride. That's all you gotta do. Because pride is of the same condemnation of the devil, which is out of first tim...

15:11 First Timothy chapter three, the last verse on the qualifications of the elder. So, beloved, I want just... I want to be very, very clear. If we're going to see an assembly grow and go through the next chapter of transition, it's going to take dealing with conflict. If the conflict is gonna be dealt with, we, first of all, recognize its danger and number two, we recognize its sources.

15:38 So far, there are two sources, the obstinate, cantankerous, my way, highway kind of person. Number two, the prideful spirit. It is a killer. I didn't recognize this for many years in my life and I'm so ashamed of that. I was a prideful man.

15:57 In many ways, I think I still am too prideful. And yet my God systematically took his little hammer and pick from the word of God and chiseled that in my soul, and I began to realize what an arrogant man I am. I confess that to you, and I am ashamed of that. Please, that will not build the body of Christ. That will not get you to where you want to be.

16:24 Do you wanna see souls saved? Do you wanna see sheep shepherded? It cannot happen with pride. What's the third issue that produces contention? It's bearing...

16:43 My my mistake. A wrathful spirit. Proverbs fifteen eighteen. This is a very introspective discussion, so I'm sorry to to lay it on so thick and so quickly, but we must do so. Proverbs fifteen eighteen reads as follows, a wrathful man stirs up strife.

17:05 I'll say that again. A wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger allays contention. Proverb is saying it in both directions, isn't it? If you wanna get rid of the strife or contention, you have you have a a a calmness to your spirit. Brothers, sisters, you cannot be a loose cannon with your temper.

17:35 I've worked with many people in my life and myself included. I can tell you that I know what it's like to have a temper. When we were first getting married, the marriage counselor said... Well, the brother counseling us said, now what is Steve's greatest weakness? And my wife waited about a millisecond and announced to him that I had a temper.

17:57 I, of course, exploded and said, no, I don't. And clearly, I did. And what I began to realize was I put everyone in fear of me by my volatile spirit, my children, and I used it to... You... I used it as an intimidating factor, and that is not how the assembly should be run.

18:19 That's not how an elders meeting should go. That's not how the assembly should work. Let me say it this way. The wrath of man never accomplishes the will of God, James chapter one. Never.

18:35 Beloved, if you are sitting where you are and you are a wrathful person, one whose emotions with volatile volcanic activity erupt consistently, indiscriminately, and spontaneously, you've got a problem. And that needs to be operated on by the spirit of God and the scalpel of his word. I beg of you, do not move forward if this is the spirit of the assembly. I beg of you, weigh this, confess this, forsake this. If you want to see what you're after, and I believe you want something good, I believe what you want is the will of God, But these are the things that will bring contention and totally choke out the fruit of the spirit, a wrathful person.

19:26 What's the next one? Well, that's a contrary person and that's in Proverbs chapter six sixteen and verse 28. It's just one page over and I'll read it with you. It says, a perverse man, which means a fraudulent to turn over. A perverse man sows strife and a whisperer separates the best of friends.

19:51 Again, Hebrew poetry helps us out. And it's kind of a person who is seeking to, behind the scenes, subvert the activities of the equation. You know, a whisperer, that means it's not public. And that reflects back to the first half of the poem or the Hebrew poetic device, and that's reflecting on the nature of this perverse individual. He is trying to turn things around, doing it secretively.

20:23 One of our problems in elders and groups is that we'll have a meeting, we'll discuss everything, we'll decide on it, and then what happens is something else, some outside of the elders meeting conversation happens and it turns and subverts the whole group discussion. I'm not saying we need to... We should avoid new information to consider, but be careful of allowing each other to... Allowing yourselves to be in that whispering sort of manipulative way. We cannot sabotage what God is trying to do.

21:01 That brings strife. It really does. And so we wanna guard that. We wanna be careful with that. If you're a person that has...

21:11 If you're a person who who is... Who offers your ear to your best friend who's not an elder and he wants to whisper in your ear so that you will go and and try to change what was decided, well, listen, that's a dangerous thing. What you wanna do is pray about what information you get, decide if it's of the spirit of God, then present it as new information to the elder group, not as a subversive tactic. This is what this perversity does. It's it's it's it's trying to turn it over is the root word.

22:00 Excuse me. It's eighteen six. And it says this, a fool's lips enter into contention and his mouth calls for blows. Now what does that mean? What that means is you're speaking before you're thinking or it sounded so much better up here.

22:18 A fool's lips. Lips that speak with accusation in them. Lips that speak with insinuation in them. Lips which speaks with degrading quality of them, lips which speak with perhaps even crass or foul language. These are all examples of foolish lips.

22:40 They're lips that maybe communicate with gossip dripping from the corners. This is what has to be guarded against. It brings contention. How we speak about the sheep. Do not let yourself say things as I have done in the past.

22:57 Comments like like, Oh, those stupid sheep. Let me tell you something, my savior never said that about any sheep. My savior would go and find that sheep, although they acted stupidly, and carry them home on his shoulders. So you gotta wash that. Those lips that speak that betray an attitude that is deep seated in the flesh.

23:19 That's what Jesus said, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Foolishness comes out of your lips. You've got a foolish bent in your heart. That is you've let that stay active when this... When the old man was crucified with Christ.

23:36 So foolish lips that express some of the evil intents of the heart. And and then find... Or the sixth one is the scoffer. Proverbs twenty two ten. I'll read this to you.

23:52 It says, so that your... Oops. Twenty two ten. Yes. Cast out the scoffer and contention will leave.

24:04 Yet strife and reproach will cease. Cast out the scoffer. Now, what is the scoffer? According to the parallel passage in first Peter... Second Peter chapter three, it says, and the scoffer of this age says, where is the coming of the Lord?

24:21 Everything has been the same since time began. I don't think the Lord's coming back. Loose paraphrase Steve Standard Version. Now, notice the content of that sort of expression. The content is basically saying...

24:37 It's a... He's sarcastically sane, cynically sane, I don't think God is gonna do what he's gonna do. You hear that cynicism and sarcasm, that criticism? That kind of critical, cynical, sarcastic approach brings strife. These are very difficult things for me to say because everyone that I've listed for you, I've been guilty of.

25:08 Perhaps the worst one for me is the one in Proverbs twenty three six and seven. This is the last one. And it says, do not eat the delicacies of a miser or better translated selfish man, nor desire his delicacies for he... As he thinks in his heart, so he is, which is selfish. He'll say, eat and drink, but don't eat what he drinks and what he offers you because his heart is not with you.

25:39 His heart is where? With himself. Oh, beloved, we cannot be self centered people as an assembly and definitely not as an oversight. This is not what we should be. That will that will destroy everything you're trying to do.

26:00 I have labored for you in... On my knees. I've prayed for you. And I... With a with a with a tremendously broken spirit tonight, I bring you these seven things that are detrimental, that if we're going to go forward, I must...

26:18 As a messenger of the word of God, I must ask you to consider. If you... As you deal with strife and conflict, these are sources of it. And if we're going to bring it to resolution, which, there's about five more messages to go, if we're gonna bring it to resolution, we first have to have it recognized, identified, confessed, or repented... Confessed, repented, forsaken.

27:07 Truly out of my heart of love for you that I say these difficult things for I know and I've seen how badly they have destroyed the assemblies. Ray, thank you for letting me steal a three extra minutes. I'll turn it back over to the leadership.