Shepherding - Biblical communication - 03 - — James 1

0:00 On the general comments. And then I don't know if there's any questions, but if not, I have some small element of ministry that I think would be helpful as we go forward in the process. I do apologize. I haven't been able to join any of your prayer meetings the last few days, but I have prayed for you. One of my goals was to do that, but the preparation to leave and some of the needs of the of Anne and others around the country have been quite quite, busy.

0:29 So let me open. Father, we just wanna thank you for the Lord Jesus Christ and that there is, no one more splendid than him. And yet in times in which we have, such a sudden change in the health of our loved ones, Lord, the whole world seems to fall apart around us. And, Lord God, I'm afraid that, the enemy will use this to exploit him... Exploit the situation and tempt your people to doubt you and to even blame you.

1:01 And, father, I pray for Anne because this is the greatest challenge of her life right now. And I wanna pray for John, father. We don't know how conscious he is, but I'm pretty sure in his spirit, he is communing with you well. We just pray that you would encourage him. Now, father, there was a king in the Old Testament who asked you for more life, and you gave it.

1:21 We're not that king nor would we ever presume that we could dictate to you your will, but we would ask you that if it'd be of you, you would miraculously bring John around and allow his body to miraculously heal, and he might have more life. Father, we do pray give grace for each one involved. It's a overwhelming situation. Now as for tonight and for the Westlake Christian Fellowship, as they have labored in the process of thinking about shepherds and deacons, father, is it not clear or true that they have desired to obey you? And they've had lots of times where they've had to evaluate themselves before you.

2:02 And I just wanna ask you to spread more of your grace and mercy across this assembly so that every heart is looking to discern the hand of the spirit of God. Every heart is looking to see what you have already decided and are executing so we can agree with it. Every heart, father, is is looking to take a humble place before you and then bow in this order of divine headships so that the lord Jesus Christ and you, oh, father, receive maximum glory. I pray, father, this this this pain, this effort, this work has been so, difficult, and yet, father, it's so vital. So give them strength.

2:38 Give them fortitude. Give them perseverance. Help them to wait on you, but, father, let not them wait long. Answer quickly and fully. Just solidify the oversight.

2:49 Solidify the decisions that must be made. Let everyone see it, acknowledge it, and bow in your presence, I pray. I pray, father, for this assembly, father. They they... I I would love to tell you that they have factors about them that you would you would show your favor.

3:05 But, father, the truth is you have mercy and grace, and that's why you should answer this prayer. That's why you should do what you do. So I pray for your blessing on tonight's discussion in Jesus' name. Amen. Well, let me first just open things up to questions.

3:53 And I told you that story about when we went into full time work and my 50 fleeces story. I'm I'm kind of ashamed to say that. You know? What a what a man of faith, like no faith. You know?

4:05 And and yet the lord was very gracious to us, Janet and I, And we saw him do the same when he recognized elders in our meeting. So let me just, give a chance for any any questions. And if not, and don't feel like you have to, of course. And if not, we'll move forward. Alright.

4:35 Well, if, questions come up and you feel that, the Lord would have you, mention them, feel free. I would take no offense. Now this evening, and and we have just about twenty minutes perhaps, I... I'd like to talk about something that will be very instrumental in your growth and development both as an assembly, but also as elders and as also between elders and the saints and saints to the elders and between elders and the deacons and deacons to the elders. Now what one thing what one thing could cover all of those interrelationships in the body of Christ?

5:14 What is the the the the most significant issue that could have so many touch points? And I'd like to suggest to you that that issue is communication. You say, oh, Steve, communication. We communicate all the time. Yeah.

5:32 I know. I know. But we're we're talking about a different flavor to this, and it's what I would call biblical communication. And I wanna go over a few things in this discussion with you because I think it'll help you get along... Not...

5:48 That's not the right way to say that. It will help you facilitate the meaningful communication you must have in order to move forward. It'll help small group settings such as elders meetings late at night. It'll help between the elders talking with the assembly and the assembly saints talking with the elders. So this topic is is very, very robust and also vital.

6:15 Now, clearly, when we talk about communication, I want you to know that the purpose of communication, that's the very first thing I wanna cover, is to understand someone else, not to be understood. Do you hear that? The purpose of us communicating me to another saint or a saint to me is I work to understand what they are saying rather than I work to be understood. By doing it that way, what happens is you have mutual satisfaction of both parties by the other party. The other person works to understand me.

6:58 I am satisfied that he under... Or she understands me, and I work to understand them. They have satisfaction because I have worked to understand them. It's a validating process. I don't mean to sound so psychological here.

7:13 I'm gonna pull in the scriptures, and you'll see it come alive to you. But I say that as an opening statement because we get it backwards. We think the most important thing to do is to be understood, and all of my words and all of my thoughts are intended for that purpose. But if someone is seeking to be... To understand me, they will ask me the questions.

7:39 They will elicit and solicit the conversation so that the words that I say breed that understanding. It's like working to satisfy the other person, and in this... In in the... In so doing, you become at peace. Alright.

8:23 And please don't think that I'm trying to talk down to many great bible scholars on this phone call, bible students. I would never do that. But the context is important for us. And it seems to me that the context is developing our faith. And he mentions that quite extensively in the very first paragraph, and he talks about how we pray and and we...

8:50 And the trials that go. And it seems like chapter one sets the tone for the rest of the chapters in James, which is a very difficult book to outline. And in so doing, he comes down to various little pearls of wisdom that grow your faith. And and he gets down to this one in verse 19. And he says, so then, which is the conclusion statement, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear.

9:19 Now what does that mean? It means prompt to hear. It doesn't say let every man be prompt to be... To to be understood. It says be swift, be prompt to hear.

9:35 And then the next line says slow to speak. That doesn't mean slow as in talking like you're from the Deep South. It means slow in terms of of delaying your speech. Why? So that you can hear.

9:50 It's quite it's quite simple, isn't it? If you're talking, you're not listening. And if you're listening, you're not talking. And so James is... In his practical sort of homespun wisdom way, says you need to be swift to hear and slow to speak.

10:10 Now notice also that the phrase slow to wrath is right next to swift to hear, slow to speak. Now what does that imply? It implies that, generally speaking, if you're swift to speak and slow to hear, more likely, there's going to be produced an anger or wrathful situation. Now question. What happens when we are are wrathful or angry?

10:39 We give place or foothold to the devil. So when James says this, he's saying, you wanna be swift to hear, slow to speak because that mitigates the anger issue, and you wanna mitigate the wrath issue because that's when Satan gets his foot in the door and causes discord. Now think about all the meetings we've been in over the years, and I'm sure between all of us on this call, we've been through thousands of hours of meetings. And some of them have been anger filled because we have violated this principle. And the moment we go over to the anger side of our communication is the moment the enemy can exploit our emotions and raise them up to levels that become sometimes irrevocable.

11:27 And so it is my very passionate shepherd opinion that this is very key. This is vital for us as a community of believers, as elders, as deacons, as saints, everyone involved. And I might even add family, husbands, wives, wives, husbands, husband... Or children, parents, and parents, children. Swift to hear.

11:50 You say, well, Steve, that's so hard to do. Yes and no. It's hard to do if your habit has been swift to speak. But what the spirit of God does, this is in James four now, James three and four, He changes you by the grace of God so that you actually reverse this order. The order of swift to speak and slow to hear is a postfallen condition that you will find embedded in the text of Genesis chapter three, swift to speak and slow to hear.

12:24 And you even notice it because God says, now let me tell you what you did, Adam. Right? That same discussion comes up with Job. I want you to be quiet. You've spoken a lot.

12:35 You'd be quiet. I'm gonna ask you questions, and you put your man pants on and answer them. You see that? So we see this dynamic, the opposite of this dynamic swift to speak and slow to hear as an integral part of postfallen condition and satanic mediation. So this is why I'm so passionate about this.

12:59 The last thing we want to do is to give place to the devil on this very sensitive and god honoring topic of elders and and the order of the assembly. So having said that, which I know is a lot to... For me to say and, wow, I already wasted ten minutes, I I want to be as clear as I can. Now I want you to notice this, and it's in Proverbs chapter 20 and verse five. Okay?

13:56 The door of the river is not open. And what you do is you seek to pull that counsel out of the other person when maybe they're clumsy with words. Maybe it's overwhelming and too tense and the tension of the moment will not allow free speech. And so what you want to do, and this is where I get it, communication is trying to understand the other person. And what I find most of my effort needs to be aimed at is learning to pull that information out of the other individual.

14:33 Now let me give you an example. My father-in-law, who I affectionately call the governor in my house, he lives with us, and he is, of course, elderly. And I call him the governor because I stole it from Mary Poppins, the governor. And he's a delightful gentleman. He's with us in The Bahamas today.

14:55 I used... He's a quiet man, but he's very wise. And so I would go to him and ask him questions like this. Do you think I should buy this car? And he would never answer me.

15:07 And I went to Janet, and I said, why doesn't your dad give me his counsel? And she said, well, what are you asking him? I said, I wanna know, if he if he thinks I should buy that car. He says, well, Steve, he doesn't want the responsibility. I said, what?

15:22 Yeah. If he answers that questions and you go and do exactly what he says and the car is a lemon, then he feels responsible. What do you really wanna know? Do you really wanna know if he wants you... Do you really wanna know if he thinks you should buy that car, or do you really wanna know if there's dangers out there that you can't see?

15:41 I said, well, that's what I'm asking. Then she said... My my wife said, well, then ask that question. I married a very bright woman. And, you know, I found that to be incredibly smart, understand, learning what's in the heart of the other person.

15:57 Now that's kinda how it has to go when we talk about working intra assembly... In intra assembly, especially when it comes to working within the elder group. I think this idea of being able to understand, not not charging with my conclusions, and that's part of the problem. We have preset conclusions when we come to a meeting that really needed to be vetted. They needed to be weighed with the evidence.

16:24 And we might add that sometimes you don't have all the evidence to make a conclusion, but we make it anyway and we lead with that sort of visceral emotional response. That's not what this is about. I am looking. Come in and make a conscious decision. I need to understand.

16:40 Maybe there's information I don't know and then deal with that. So this is so key when it comes to dealing with all of the discussions that you will have because sometimes you don't know the... All the information, and you may have to ask more appropriate questions. I I saw your car the other night at a a casino. I don't wanna pry, but...

17:06 Or or is that a is that a frequent habit of yours? You know? So instead of saying you're guilty, you shouldn't be an elder, maybe you should inquire. So this is some practical application of this idea of drawing it out. Now I wanna go through, and I think I can...

17:22 I don't If you can give me ten minutes, maybe that would work. I wanna go through six things that are really good factors of communication. They're all from the Proverbs. Now the first one is chapter 25 and verse 11, if you could turn there. And it goes, a word fitly means suitable or beautiful for the occasion.

18:23 To make the... Make my conversation suitable for the moment. For example, you have a a grief stricken saint. I mean, the last thing you want the the... There is an insuitable laughing and being jocular, you know, just being laughing and and kidding when there's sorrow that needs to be comforted.

18:45 So there's a practical example of that, and we need to sense that. When you have elders meetings, you come together, everybody's had a rough day. Everybody's had been beaten up by their boss or been beaten up by the workplace or bang their head in... Against the wall for twelve hours, and now it's 07:00 at night, and we're gonna do a three hour elders meeting? I mean, we gotta understand.

19:06 We need to be considerate, suitable in our verbiage one to another, fit for the occasion, giving grace. You know, you you must have had a hard day. Yeah. I did. It was really terrible.

19:17 You know? And and being able to show that empathy and consideration one for another. Sometimes I think we we bring our own personal stride to the conversation, and we expect everybody to be at our pace. And that is not helpful at all because communication is about the other person. Now notice the word...

19:41 Notice timing. This is in 1523, and I'll try... Again, I'll... If I have to, I'll just stop when I need to. In chapter fifteen twenty three of Proverbs where it says, a man has joy by the answer of his mouth, a word spoken in due season how good it is.

20:04 Now I would... And point one, I was talking about the content. And point two, I'm talking about the timing. The timing. One of the more famous stories in my family is the child that wanted attention in a nice way.

20:21 And and with nine other competing voices when dad walked into the door, he didn't know how to get it. And so he would just blurt out with a big grin, and the dishwasher broke today, daddy. And, of course, I was... Had been wrestling alligators all day, and Janet said, no. We talked about that.

20:38 We're not gonna talk about the broken dishwasher, are we, right now? You know? And so so, you know, there's a sense of of time sensitivity. I I think I messed up on that this morning when we were leaving at 02:30 in the morning, and I found the the leaf blower out in the rain. And, you know, that was not the time for me to say something about that.

21:00 That was not the moment or the energy, opportunity to say to my son, hey. You left a leaf blower outside. You know? I mean, we're all tired. We're all sleepy, and we gotta get to the airport.

21:12 I should have picked a better time. You do that in an elders meeting too. Sometimes you have to you have to wait. Maybe you have to wait till the next elders meeting. It didn't mean you forgot it.

21:22 If you think you're gonna forget it, write it down so that it can be brought up again. But sometimes the timing is not good. It's kinda like applying the principle of sensing the spirit of God whether you should share publicly or not and the breaking of bread based on the movement of the spirit of God in that meaning. Well, we apply that principle to how we handle one another, and I think that is very applicable in the elders meeting. And saints, you know, recognize the elders are handling alligators on a regular basis that you would not see.

21:55 So you just can't come up and blurt out to them, oh, and why don't you elders do this? You know? There's a... There's about 10 or other... Five or 10 other things that are ongoing at the same time simultaneously.

22:08 You want to be in prayer about the timing of what you say and how you... And and the content of what you say. Alright. Very practical application. Number three, I'm calling this methodology.

22:22 This is Proverbs twenty four seventeen. Proverbs twenty four seventeen. And this verse says... That's not the verse. Oh, twenty seven fourteen.

22:35 Excuse me. So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul. Oh, I'm in chapter 24. Forgive me. I hit the wrong button.

22:45 I knew it didn't sound right. He who blesses his friend with a loud voice rising early in the morning, it will be counted a curse to him. This is what I call methodology. Alright? It's more than just timing.

23:00 It has to deal with modality, loud voice. Alright? That's the bad part. Who wants a loud voice? The other bad part in conjunction is the early morning.

23:11 My wife has this coffee cup. The first line on the cup is at the brim, and it says don't talk. The second line is in the middle of the cup. You may speak in one word sentences. And the bottom line is at the very base of the cup, which says, now you may talk, but slowly.

23:32 Right? And because she doesn't function well, I'll just blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. She'll look at me with a glazed look. Can I get my second cup of coffee? Now why am I telling you that?

23:44 There's certain methodology involved, and you don't need to to to open with a loud emotional outcry of what you've been thinking about and meditating on since 4AM. And when you get to that elder meeting at seven year that's not... Again, communication is learning what's in the other heart, not just saying what's in your heart. Now there's another one here, and it's in Proverbs fifteen one, and it's and it's one you're very familiar which goes like this. A search words.

24:43 Accusatory comments to the other spouse, and then the other spouse is being accused just simply answers with such a way that there is nothing to be angry about. And so the other spouse will answer with a soft tone, calm, cool, collective, not vindictive. And the person who's ray... Who's who's sort of charging with wrath is arrested because I look guilty because they're not doing they're not doing anything worthy of my wrath. So I really look like the bad guy.

25:23 And guess what? You are. And so the soft answer is a tremendous means to bring conflict language to... Diffuse conflict language. So this is part of what we do.

25:37 This is part of how we talk to each other. This is how we talk in elders meetings, deacons meetings, families, marriages. It's a tremendous asset. This is how God has told us to communicate. Alright.

25:52 We'll quickly finish. I just have two more things, and the first one I wanna talk about is in Ephesians... Oh, sorry. Proverbs sixteen twenty one. Proverbs sixteen and twenty one.

26:05 And I want you to read that with me because it's related to the last last one. And it says, the wise in heart will be called prudent, and the sweetness of lips increases learning. The sweetness of lips. Now what that means is is that if you can harness your words in such a way so that they are like sugar rather than vinegar, then the person will be more receptive to what you have to say. That's key.

26:40 So one of the things you can do is focus on that. A a very old example in my life is I would drop off the dry cleaning, for example, at the laundromat, and I would say to Janet, can you pick it up tomorrow? And, you know, she's she's got nine kids, and and it's busy, and it's crazy. And I get to the end of the debt... Next day, and I say, well, did you pick up the clothes?

27:05 And she'll say, no. I just didn't have a chance. You know? And I... And every time I did that to her, it looked like I was punching her in the stomach or something and not literally.

27:15 And so I said, I began to realize that I'm really kinda defeating her. She's worked all day, wrestling children, trying to do homeschool. Why don't I change how I asked the question and give her a reason to get out of jail free? So I began to say, sweetheart, did you have an opportunity to get that... Those clothes today?

27:36 In other words, it's okay if you didn't, and you don't have to make up a reason. I'm gonna give you a reason. That's that's sweetness of lips, isn't it? That's increasing learning. Right?

27:48 And when you explain something to somebody, don't explain it the second time louder. Explain it with better verbiage. That's... I've noticed that in myself too, That when somebody asked me and and I explained it, which I thought was absolutely perfect, they go, I don't understand. And so I say it louder and with more inflection and emphasis.

28:11 And guess what? I still get the I don't understand look. Now who's really the foolish one there? Me. Increase in learning is not volume nor is it intensity.

28:25 Increase in learning is sweetness of lips. And so I I I suggest that when we want to tell someone where we're coming from, we increase how we say it, usually a non offensive language that allows the other person not to put up their defenses. Alright. The last one, and this is probably, the, one that some have trouble with, and it's in Ephesians chapter four and verse 29. Okay.

29:34 Now there are two types that I would like to suggest to you that could cause decay or destruction... Corruption. Number one is some of the language we use. Sometimes... And we don't mean it, but sometimes foul language comes out of our mouths.

29:54 Now that's due to a variety of reasons, our history, our current walk with the Lord, our surroundings with people who talk that way all the time while we're at work. All that happens. And so there's many reasons to do that. So we want to rein in that kind of nasty, malodorous communication with our words. Brothers, sometimes those words come into your brain and out of your mouth when you're all alone.

30:23 How do I know that? Because that happens to me. The enemy wants to put those fiery darts in your mind, and and before you know it, they're just so raging in your soul. Listen. We need to have our mouths and our hearts dedicated and surrendered to the lord daily so that our mouths only speak what would be in his heart.

30:45 So that's my first practical practical point there. But what other... What's the other category of corrupt communication? It's the kind of corrupt communication that comes in the form of gossip, of jealousy, of bitterness, of rage that's... Or anger that's clothed in the wrapping paper of prayer, all of those things are, on.

31:16 He looks right through that. And if we're saying things about other people for the purpose of self elevation or for the purpose of putting someone else down or for the purpose of creating jealousy or or producing gossip so that I feel better that I know something you don't. This is not what God has wants us to do. So as elders, we talk about a lot of people. We talk about a lot of individuals, and we have in our mind this important aspect of confidentiality.

31:51 And it's not a... It's not something that's got hard rules, but it's more of a principle. And so we want to keep that in mind. And, certainly, we do not want to propagate ill feelings from one another. My best friend was really hurt by what decision was made.

32:07 I'm an elder. They complained to me. I bring that that complaint to the other elders, taking up the offense for my friend. We have to divorce ourselves from that sort of emotional attachment and to deal with what is forthright and accurate according to the word of God as it applies to that situation. Another practical example of corrupt communication.

32:34 Okay. So I'll review, and then I'll be quiet. The review is simply this. Communication is designed for me to understand you, not necessarily for me to be understood. That'll happen because both of you are working to understand each other.

32:54 Number two, the idea of understanding takes work and energy. A wise person will draw it out like putting the bucket into the well at just the right angle with just the right speed so that it fills up maximally and you can lift the bucket out of the well full to the brim with understanding. Number three, six points of communication. Suitability, timing, methodology, means, manner, and content. Alright, brothers, sisters.

33:30 I'll turn it back over to you. Forgive me. Thank you for giving me an extra ten minutes this evening.

33:42 Thank you, Steve.

33:44 Thank you.

33:48 Why why don't we, just have, the brothers, pray about what we were just taught. Right? And then pray about who the Lord would have to be recognized as elders. So we should probably just start pray...